adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Distracted Priest Pronounces Couple 'Man And Plumbing Problem'

COLUMBUS, OH—Father Gerald Reamer mistakenly pronounced groom Danny Colm and bride Rachael Hall "man and plumbing problem" during their wedding ceremony at the First Episcopalian Church yesterday. "We are gathered here today to witness the eternal union of these two faulty flush valves," said Reamer, urging anyone who objected to the nuptials of Mr. and Mrs. Colm to speak now or forever wait for the repairman to show up. "You may now kiss the outdated, thoroughly rusted iron pipes." Several guests attending the wedding reported that, immediately following the ceremony, Reamer bolted down the aisle and jumped into the couple's waiting limo, saying that he had to get home because he forgot to turn off his in sickness and in health.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close