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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Distressed Michael Vick Urges Creation Of Some Sort Of Dog Fighters Anonymous Support Group

PHILADELPHIA—Speaking at a press conference Thursday about the “sickening compulsion,” a visibly distraught Michael Vick called for the creation of an anonymous support group for those who are addicted to dog fighting. “There needs to be some sort of system in place to help people who barely resist strong desires to visit dog fighting rings and still find themselves looking up pit bull adoptions on the internet at 3 a.m.,” said the Eagles quarterback, explaining that, ideally, the group would hold weekly meetings with other recovering addicts and provide some kind of 24-7 hotline that one could call when facing an irresistible impulse to drive to a nearby friend’s house and bet thousands of dollars on a dog fight. “The most important thing is that the identities of the group’s members would never, ever be disclosed to the public so they can be comfortable openly talking about their addictions. Trust me, some people stay awake all night before a big game imagining two Rottweilers fighting to the death in their basement, and they just need someone to say, ‘Hey, that’s wrong, so don’t do it.’” Vick added that there is a “desperate need” for the formation of such a group by this Saturday evening.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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