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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Distressed Michael Vick Urges Creation Of Some Sort Of Dog Fighters Anonymous Support Group

PHILADELPHIA—Speaking at a press conference Thursday about the “sickening compulsion,” a visibly distraught Michael Vick called for the creation of an anonymous support group for those who are addicted to dog fighting. “There needs to be some sort of system in place to help people who barely resist strong desires to visit dog fighting rings and still find themselves looking up pit bull adoptions on the internet at 3 a.m.,” said the Eagles quarterback, explaining that, ideally, the group would hold weekly meetings with other recovering addicts and provide some kind of 24-7 hotline that one could call when facing an irresistible impulse to drive to a nearby friend’s house and bet thousands of dollars on a dog fight. “The most important thing is that the identities of the group’s members would never, ever be disclosed to the public so they can be comfortable openly talking about their addictions. Trust me, some people stay awake all night before a big game imagining two Rottweilers fighting to the death in their basement, and they just need someone to say, ‘Hey, that’s wrong, so don’t do it.’” Vick added that there is a “desperate need” for the formation of such a group by this Saturday evening.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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