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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Distressed Michael Vick Urges Creation Of Some Sort Of Dog Fighters Anonymous Support Group

PHILADELPHIA—Speaking at a press conference Thursday about the “sickening compulsion,” a visibly distraught Michael Vick called for the creation of an anonymous support group for those who are addicted to dog fighting. “There needs to be some sort of system in place to help people who barely resist strong desires to visit dog fighting rings and still find themselves looking up pit bull adoptions on the internet at 3 a.m.,” said the Eagles quarterback, explaining that, ideally, the group would hold weekly meetings with other recovering addicts and provide some kind of 24-7 hotline that one could call when facing an irresistible impulse to drive to a nearby friend’s house and bet thousands of dollars on a dog fight. “The most important thing is that the identities of the group’s members would never, ever be disclosed to the public so they can be comfortable openly talking about their addictions. Trust me, some people stay awake all night before a big game imagining two Rottweilers fighting to the death in their basement, and they just need someone to say, ‘Hey, that’s wrong, so don’t do it.’” Vick added that there is a “desperate need” for the formation of such a group by this Saturday evening.

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