adBlockCheck

Distressed Nation Turns To Poet Laureate For Solace

Top Headlines

Politics

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Distressed Nation Turns To Poet Laureate For Solace

FRESNO, CA—Struggling through difficult times marked by war, economic despair, and political turmoil, the nation turned en masse this week to its newly appointed poet laureate, seeking solace in his words as so many generations of Americans have before in the words of laureates past.

Levine, whose poetic wisdom the nation longs to be soothed by.

Despondent citizens from across the country began gathering this weekend outside the Fresno home of 83-year-old Philip Levine, the California State University professor and poet who in less than two weeks will assume the widely celebrated title, beginning a yearlong term in which all Americans will turn their gaze upon him in search of hope and guidance.

"We've long relied on our poet laureates as a beacon of hope in times of trouble," said 55-year-old car mechanic Chuck Burgess, who traveled from Minneapolis to keep vigil alongside the many thousands waiting for the sagely Levine to emerge from his two-story ranch house and take up his new mantle. "Their masterfully crafted verses and subtle explorations of interiority dispel the nation's fears in a way that nothing else can."

"Right now, America is eagerly anticipating his words," added Burgess, later saying that he's been tracking Levine's work ever since it won the Levinson Prize from Poetry magazine in 1981. "We're counting on the discursive lyricism and shifting postures of fractiousness for which Mr. Levine's poems are renowned to lift our spirits."

According to reports, copies of Levine's 2004 collection Breath have been pulled down from bookshelves in living rooms throughout the nation, with friends and family gathering to reread the new laureate's free verse testaments to the persistence of life in the presence of coming darkness.


In addition, because the nation's 300-million-plus citizens don't want to miss a single word of what the poet has to say, continuous live news coverage from Fresno has preempted television programming on all channels.

"There are few things Americans love more than poetry," said Miami-area real estate agent William Chen, who was among the masses assembled on Levine's front lawn. "At this point, one could even say that desire for intellectual stimulation through layered poetic musings might be the only thing holding our wounded nation together."

The position of United States poet laureate was introduced in 1937, when Joseph Auslander became the first to receive the honor, his rarefied diction and reliably metered verses having provided comfort to a nation debilitated by the Great Depression. Since then, sources confirmed, his successors have unfailingly provided Americans with the poetry they need just to be able to get through their day.

"Thank God this country has a poet laureate," recently out-of-work glassworker Mitch Tate, 44, told reporters. "Without [2004-2006 laureate] Ted Kooser's profound lines likening the destruction of a galaxy billions of miles away to a snowflake falling on water, I'm not sure we ever could have mustered the inner strength to overcome the devastation of Hurricane Katrina."

While the majority of Americans have read all 20 volumes of Levine's poetry—as well as the collected works of each past laureate—most agreed that seeing on paper works such as 'The Water's Chant,' 'I Sing The Body Electric,' and 'On The Meeting Of García Lorca And Hart Crane' had only partly satisfied their needs.

Now, sources said, it is absolutely essential they hear him read his poems aloud.

"With so many Americans struggling to get by, it's no wonder they're craving more intellectual nourishment from their nation's poets," said Sen. Scott Brown (R-MA), standing among the cheering enthusiasts in Fresno. "The sheer excitement that overcomes our people when a poetry reading is announced tells you how badly we need this guy."

"Speak to us, poet," Brown was later overheard saying as he gazed through Levine's window. "Invoke the muses and soothe our distempered hearts!"

As of press time, Levine had reportedly stepped out his front door to meet the hysterical crowd, immediately pacifying them with his mere presence.

"Be still, my children, and listen," said Levine, donning on a pair of wire-rim glasses, opening a brown leather-bound journal, and taking a seat on his porch swing. "I shall now read to you a poem entitled 'Milkweed.'"

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close