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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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Disturbance Of Arafat's Grave Casts Horrible Curse On Middle East

Desecration Of Tomb To Usher In Generations Of Death, Chaos

RAMALLAH, WEST BANK—Experts familiar with the ancient prophecies warned Tuesday that by exhuming the remains of former leader Yasser Arafat, Palestinian officials had unleashed a horrible curse upon the Middle East, dooming the region to now begin centuries of bloody conflict. “Fools, all of you! In return for your transgression, a violent era of intractable disputes shall descend upon this land from Libya to Pakistan!” said Tshilaba, a wizened mystic and scholar who explained the punishment “had been foretold since the dawn of civilization.” “It is written in the scrolls of the ancients that, should the leader’s tomb be disturbed, generations of Middle Eastern peoples will then have to face strife, blood feuds, and the senseless slaughter of innocents, as neighbor turns against neighbor and brother against brother. Kingdoms will fall, entire cities will be reduced to rubble! All this and worse shall come to pass.” The curse is also expected to “bring to ruin” relations between Arabs and Israelis in the region.

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