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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Disturbance Of Arafat's Grave Casts Horrible Curse On Middle East

Desecration Of Tomb To Usher In Generations Of Death, Chaos

RAMALLAH, WEST BANK—Experts familiar with the ancient prophecies warned Tuesday that by exhuming the remains of former leader Yasser Arafat, Palestinian officials had unleashed a horrible curse upon the Middle East, dooming the region to now begin centuries of bloody conflict. “Fools, all of you! In return for your transgression, a violent era of intractable disputes shall descend upon this land from Libya to Pakistan!” said Tshilaba, a wizened mystic and scholar who explained the punishment “had been foretold since the dawn of civilization.” “It is written in the scrolls of the ancients that, should the leader’s tomb be disturbed, generations of Middle Eastern peoples will then have to face strife, blood feuds, and the senseless slaughter of innocents, as neighbor turns against neighbor and brother against brother. Kingdoms will fall, entire cities will be reduced to rubble! All this and worse shall come to pass.” The curse is also expected to “bring to ruin” relations between Arabs and Israelis in the region.

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