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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Disturbance Of Arafat's Grave Casts Horrible Curse On Middle East

Desecration Of Tomb To Usher In Generations Of Death, Chaos

RAMALLAH, WEST BANK—Experts familiar with the ancient prophecies warned Tuesday that by exhuming the remains of former leader Yasser Arafat, Palestinian officials had unleashed a horrible curse upon the Middle East, dooming the region to now begin centuries of bloody conflict. “Fools, all of you! In return for your transgression, a violent era of intractable disputes shall descend upon this land from Libya to Pakistan!” said Tshilaba, a wizened mystic and scholar who explained the punishment “had been foretold since the dawn of civilization.” “It is written in the scrolls of the ancients that, should the leader’s tomb be disturbed, generations of Middle Eastern peoples will then have to face strife, blood feuds, and the senseless slaughter of innocents, as neighbor turns against neighbor and brother against brother. Kingdoms will fall, entire cities will be reduced to rubble! All this and worse shall come to pass.” The curse is also expected to “bring to ruin” relations between Arabs and Israelis in the region.

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