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Disturbed Beltway Sources Report Congress Eerily Cooperative Today

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Disturbed Beltway Sources Report Congress Eerily Cooperative Today

A state of deeply ominous harmony has settled over this once fractious institution, disconcerted sources are confirming.
A state of deeply ominous harmony has settled over this once fractious institution, disconcerted sources are confirming.

WASHINGTON—According to reports from distressed Capitol Hill sources, members of both houses of Congress were eerily cooperative and agreeable throughout today's legislative session, prompting widespread confusion, fear, and suspicion among political observers across the Beltway.

"Today began just like any other legislative day, with the normal morning proceedings and opening speeches, but then, out of nowhere, lawmakers suddenly began talking to each other and listening to what their colleagues had to say," said visibly shaken House staffer Scott Harrington, who called the collegial atmosphere that has settled over Washington "disconcerting." "I saw representatives have an open, constructive dialogue on the issues and actually acknowledge opinions other than the ones they personally held. That's when I knew that something was definitely wrong."

"Overall, the feeling around here is cordial," a concerned Harrington continued. "A little too cordial, if you know what I mean."

Beltway sources confirmed they began to feel like something was up when congressmen from both sides of the aisle "oddly" refrained from talking down to each other or reflexively belittling their opponents' viewpoints as out-of-touch, dangerous, or anti-American.

Moreover, the passage of a jobs training bill without a single congressman invoking bureaucratic stalling tactics put beltway observers on edge, and instilled a deep-seated fear that lawmakers might possibly be hiding dark intentions of some kind.

Onlookers said they felt a chill down their collective spines upon seeing an image of Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) shaking hands.

"I don't know what's going on here, but I know I don't like it," said Time political columnist Joe Klein, who watched C-SPAN in disturbed shock as the Senate proceeded quickly and smoothly on a federal judicial confirmation. "Something's off. Something is definitely off. It's almost as if lawmakers are putting the well-being of the country above their own self interest and hard-line party ideology."

"This can't be good for America," he added.

While a small handful of citizens have suggested that Congress' newfound willingness to find common ground might actually prove beneficial to the country, these views have largely been drowned out by the vast majority of Americans who believe there is a sinister scheme at work.

According to paranoid sources, much of the populace believes elected officials are angling to slip in a terrifying, power grabbing law through Congress that drastically reduces Americans' individual freedoms. Others say that Republicans and Democrats are trying to lull each other into a false sense of security before orchestrating a bloody coup on one another.

Some reportedly even believe that the restoration of comity has to do with Washington receiving word of nuclear missiles headed towards the United States, and, as a result, lawmakers feel as if the 112th Congress should properly govern the country at least once before America is annihilated.

"It feels like this is the calm before the storm," Talking Points Memo editor Josh Marshall told reporters. "John Boehner is working with the White House on a long term deficit reduction plan? Nancy Pelosi and Eric Cantor have agreed to go to lunch and talk about making college more affordable? Something is going to happen. Something bad."

Overall, Congress's mature and professional behavior has sent the country into a frightened tailspin. By evening, reports indicated that supermarket shelves had been picked clean across much of the country, many had withdrawn all their savings in cash, and retailers were reporting a nationwide run on ammunition. Additionally, many frantic, desperate citizens have called on the president to restore bitter acrimony to Congress immediately.

"I'm frightened for my life," said distraught Lubbock, TX resident Chris Lefebvre, who claimed to have packed up all his essential belongings and was prepared to flee with his family across the Mexican border if the legislative branch began making headway on long-intractable issues such as immigration or entitlement reform. "People are having nervous breakdowns in the streets, newscasters clearly have no idea what's happening, and my children are terrified—they keep asking me what's going on, but I have no explanation."

"Where is all the partisan rancor and legislative gridlock?" he added. "It's the only thing we know."

Though many Washington insiders urged Americans to remain calm, all agreed that if both sides willingly come together in earnest to raise the debt-ceiling before the deadline, then "God help us all."

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