adBlockCheck

Disturbed Beltway Sources Report Congress Eerily Cooperative Today

Top Headlines

Politics

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Who Is Gary Johnson?

Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Disturbed Beltway Sources Report Congress Eerily Cooperative Today

A state of deeply ominous harmony has settled over this once fractious institution, disconcerted sources are confirming.
A state of deeply ominous harmony has settled over this once fractious institution, disconcerted sources are confirming.

WASHINGTON—According to reports from distressed Capitol Hill sources, members of both houses of Congress were eerily cooperative and agreeable throughout today's legislative session, prompting widespread confusion, fear, and suspicion among political observers across the Beltway.

"Today began just like any other legislative day, with the normal morning proceedings and opening speeches, but then, out of nowhere, lawmakers suddenly began talking to each other and listening to what their colleagues had to say," said visibly shaken House staffer Scott Harrington, who called the collegial atmosphere that has settled over Washington "disconcerting." "I saw representatives have an open, constructive dialogue on the issues and actually acknowledge opinions other than the ones they personally held. That's when I knew that something was definitely wrong."

"Overall, the feeling around here is cordial," a concerned Harrington continued. "A little too cordial, if you know what I mean."

Beltway sources confirmed they began to feel like something was up when congressmen from both sides of the aisle "oddly" refrained from talking down to each other or reflexively belittling their opponents' viewpoints as out-of-touch, dangerous, or anti-American.

Moreover, the passage of a jobs training bill without a single congressman invoking bureaucratic stalling tactics put beltway observers on edge, and instilled a deep-seated fear that lawmakers might possibly be hiding dark intentions of some kind.

Onlookers said they felt a chill down their collective spines upon seeing an image of Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) shaking hands.

"I don't know what's going on here, but I know I don't like it," said Time political columnist Joe Klein, who watched C-SPAN in disturbed shock as the Senate proceeded quickly and smoothly on a federal judicial confirmation. "Something's off. Something is definitely off. It's almost as if lawmakers are putting the well-being of the country above their own self interest and hard-line party ideology."

"This can't be good for America," he added.

While a small handful of citizens have suggested that Congress' newfound willingness to find common ground might actually prove beneficial to the country, these views have largely been drowned out by the vast majority of Americans who believe there is a sinister scheme at work.

According to paranoid sources, much of the populace believes elected officials are angling to slip in a terrifying, power grabbing law through Congress that drastically reduces Americans' individual freedoms. Others say that Republicans and Democrats are trying to lull each other into a false sense of security before orchestrating a bloody coup on one another.

Some reportedly even believe that the restoration of comity has to do with Washington receiving word of nuclear missiles headed towards the United States, and, as a result, lawmakers feel as if the 112th Congress should properly govern the country at least once before America is annihilated.

"It feels like this is the calm before the storm," Talking Points Memo editor Josh Marshall told reporters. "John Boehner is working with the White House on a long term deficit reduction plan? Nancy Pelosi and Eric Cantor have agreed to go to lunch and talk about making college more affordable? Something is going to happen. Something bad."

Overall, Congress's mature and professional behavior has sent the country into a frightened tailspin. By evening, reports indicated that supermarket shelves had been picked clean across much of the country, many had withdrawn all their savings in cash, and retailers were reporting a nationwide run on ammunition. Additionally, many frantic, desperate citizens have called on the president to restore bitter acrimony to Congress immediately.

"I'm frightened for my life," said distraught Lubbock, TX resident Chris Lefebvre, who claimed to have packed up all his essential belongings and was prepared to flee with his family across the Mexican border if the legislative branch began making headway on long-intractable issues such as immigration or entitlement reform. "People are having nervous breakdowns in the streets, newscasters clearly have no idea what's happening, and my children are terrified—they keep asking me what's going on, but I have no explanation."

"Where is all the partisan rancor and legislative gridlock?" he added. "It's the only thing we know."

Though many Washington insiders urged Americans to remain calm, all agreed that if both sides willingly come together in earnest to raise the debt-ceiling before the deadline, then "God help us all."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close