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The Week In Sports

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Disturbing Report Reveals Cruel, Disgusting Conditions For Prospects Kept In MLB Farm System

NEW YORK—Calling the inhumane treatment a disgrace to the MLB and all of its consumers, a disturbing new report released Thursday by Sporting News revealed the cruel, disgusting conditions for prospects kept in the MLB farm system. “Our investigation found that these young, helpless prospects are often forced to live in cheap motel rooms containing only a hard, moldy bed while working out in dingy gyms choked with the fetid stench of sweat and gatorade,” said report author Stephanie Bisson, who noted that prospects are often shuttled between rundown southern ballparks in cramped, overcrowded motorcoaches. “These players should be given the room to grow into major leaguers, but instead they are forced into horrific assembly-line conditions that break their spirits and oftentimes lead to horrific injuries. Pitchers, outfielders, and catchers alike are essentially being tortured as they wait around to one day be cut and discarded.” The damning report added that the horrible conditions may also increase aggressiveness among players and lead to violent, bench-clearing brawls.

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