'Ditka' Chicago Man's Answer To Everything

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Vol 41 Issue 41

Bush's Not-So-Candid Chat

A televised conversation between President Bush and American and Iraqi troops that was originally presented as a candid chat turned out to be...

Harriet Miers Nomination

Bush's Supreme Court nomination of Harriet Miers, his longtime associate and current White House counsel, continues to draw criticism. What do...

October 10, 1991

Supreme Court Nominee Clarence Thomas: 'The Ass-Slapping Was Never Done In An Inappropriate Manner'
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Race Relations

'Ditka' Chicago Man's Answer To Everything

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Almost 20 years after Mike Ditka led Chicago to their only Super Bowl victory, lifelong Chicago resident Dave Johannes continues to suggest the beloved former Bears coach and current hair-gel and erectile-dysfunction-medicine endorser as the solution to every problem of which he is personally aware. "Ditka could turn these here Bears around, you bet—and them White Sox could use some of that Ditka attitude, too," Johannes was heard telling his family, friends, and coworkers Monday. "Don't get me started on the Bulls and the Blackhawks. And that [former Illinois governor George] Ryan [corruption] trial… Ditka would get to the bottom of that, I bet. Plus, also, I got just the man to fix our mess we got in Iraq." Every Chicago resident Johannes spoke to agreed completely with his Ditka panacea, although experts generally agree that Buddy Ryan, the father of the Bears' famous "46" defense, would probably be a better choice.
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