Diversity Celebrated With Compulsory Luncheon

In This Section

Vol 36 Issue 10

Area Man's Got A Ton Of Shit On His Mind Right Now, Okay?

LOS ANGELES–Look, just give Bill Turlington a break, okay? The 35-year-old L.A. advertising executive is buried up to his neck in shit right now, and half an hour of peace and quiet is all he's asking for. Tormented by incompetent assistants, clueless clients, and the very real possibility of losing the MCI account, and, if you hadn't noticed, the ulcer-plagued Turlington is on the phone at the moment, so would you please get out? Now listen: Turlington has no idea where your scissors are. Use a goddamn penknife or something and allow him to finish his conversation, for God's sake.

Parents Of 6-Year-Old Sorely Regretting Purchase Of Knock-Knock-Joke Book

MERCER ISLAND, WA–Just four days after giving their 6-year-old son Tanner a copy of 1,001 Silliest Knock-Knock Jokes In The World, Kevin and Jennifer Voskuil are already experiencing deep regrets about the decision, the Mercer Island couple reported Monday. "Hoozere?" asked a bleary-eyed Kevin, trying to sleep on the living-room sofa as Tanner read him yet another joke. "'Orange you glad I didn't say banana?' That's a funny one. Run outside to the garage and tell it to your mom." Jennifer, who has been treated to 762 of the 1,001 knock-knock jokes as of press time, expressed hope that Tanner can be weaned off the book and onto one that is less interactive. "Maybe the Guinness Book Of World Records," Jennifer said. "Or the thesaurus."

Local Woman Has Story About How She Got These Shoes

NATICK, MA–Mandy Walters has an interesting story about how she got these shoes, the Boston-area file clerk said Monday. "Okay, I'm driving to my mom's in Vermont when I stop to get gas," Walters told coworker Janet Bloch. "As I'm paying, I notice the time on the receipt, and it's an hour earlier than I thought, so I ask the guy if their clock is off. He says no, 'cause it turns out the night before was daylight savings. So, suddenly, I have an hour to kill, and what's right across the street? An outlet mall! And the Payless store had these for only $29.99!" Walters' blouse, purchased at the same mall, is reportedly another story altogether.

German Auto Engineer Issued Lab Coat

ELDORF, GERMANY–Karl Meine, a new engineer at BMW, was issued a white lab coat Monday, giving him the air of a man at the forefront of German automotive technology. "Karl will wear his lab coat and observe BMW prototypes being driven at extreme speeds on sheets of gleaming ball bearings," said BMW chief engineer Gunnar Hoechst. "He will also stand before a wall of computers as cars are subjected to advanced 59-point wind-tunnel tests in stark, white rooms." In addition to the lab coat, Meine has been issued a clipboard.

FCC Passes Mandatory Garofalo/Griffin Guest-Appearance Regulation

WASHINGTON, DC–Motivated by recent Janeane Garofalo and/or Kathy Griffin appearances on The Sopranos, 3rd Rock From The Sun, The Second Annual TV Guide Awards, Law & Order, and Strangers With Candy, the FCC passed a regulation Monday requiring walk-ons by "at least one of these cutting-edge underground comediennes on all TV shows." Said FCC chair William E. Kennard: "This measure is good for the television industry, ensuring that all programs enjoy a dose of the Garofalo/Griffin indie aura." Griffin is already slated for a guest appearance on next Monday's Nightline, on which she will play a nymphomaniacal tobacco lobbyist obsessed with Ted Koppel.

Clinton Vs. The NRA

In recent weeks, President Clinton and the National Rifle Association have been at war over the issue of gun control. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Small Business

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Diversity Celebrated With Compulsory Luncheon

WAUKESHA, WI–Ethnic diversity within the ranks of Milwaukee Electric & Gas was celebrated Monday with a catered, compulsory all-staff luncheon in the seventh-floor conference room of the company's suburban Milwaukee headquarters.

Diversity luncheon guest speaker Gene Ralston addresses the compliant audience.

"Come to Room 711 at noon and celebrate the wonderful diversity of both our company and the public it serves!" read a morning memo reminding employees of the luncheon. "Plenty of delicious food and drink from T.J.'s Subs will be provided, so bring your appetite. Attendance is mandatory."

"The fact that ME&G is setting aside valuable working hours for this luncheon says a lot about its deep commitment to multiculturalism," said Allen Ledevest, ME&G's director of corporate communications. "Not every company would provide employees with the non-optional chance to eat hearty foot-longs and chips in honor of our nation's glorious mosaic of cultures and ethnicities."

At precisely 12 p.m., the company's 189 employees, including executives, secretaries, consumer-helpline representatives, and mail clerks, dutifully filed into the Harold T. Kjell Conference Room, which had been decorated with "ME&G: Our Differences Make The Difference!" posters.

"I'd like to thank all of you who had no choice but to take time out of your busy schedules to help us express our dedication to all the colors of the rainbow," ME&G Diversity Committee chair Eileen Johansen announced. "Let's give a hand to the truly magnificent spectrum of races and faces we serve as the leading utility provider for the greater Milwaukee area."

"Now, grab some food and find a seat, please," Johansen added. "We've only got an hour."

ME&G, Johansen proudly announced, was among 200 U.S. utility companies selected to receive $15,000 grants from the Mobil Foundation to recognize diversity in their communities, as well as within their companies. Of that money, $13,500 was used to create a glossy, full-color brochure paying tribute to famous African Americans in Milwaukee history. Timed to coincide with Black History Month, the brochure was included with the February bill of all ME&G customers. The remaining $1,500 was used to buy food and "Many Colors, One World" paper plates for the obligatory luncheon, as well as to hire a guest speaker.

"I can't tell you how pleased I am to be a part of this wonderful luncheon," said Gene Ralston of the Wisconsin Multicultural Council, a non-profit organization which promotes understanding among different ethnic groups throughout the state. "Events like this are a great way to foster understanding of one another. You see, the thing we all share is that none of us are the same."

"Take a look around at your co-workers," continued Ralston, addressing the overwhelmingly Caucasian crowd. "Black, white, Hispanic, Native American, Hmong–regardless of your race, you all have something in common: the threat of docked timecards if you did not attend this luncheon."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More