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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Divorce Has Been Pretty Rough On Screen Door

WATERVILLE, ME—The ongoing divorce of Julia Blanchard and Russell Ochoa has been pretty rough on the screen door that leads from their house to the back porch, sources confirmed Friday. In recent months, the bitter fights and growing distance between Blanchard, 37, and Ochoa, 36, have reportedly placed an undue amount of stress on the aluminum-framed sliding door, which has become increasingly frayed around the edges and appears to be splitting apart at its seams. Further reports confirmed the breakup has also taken a heavy toll on the kitchen cabinets and even a couple of windows, with the bedside lamp having a pretty close call as well. Sources said the divorce has been great for the downstairs couch, however, which is finally starting to get some regular use.

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