adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Divorced Father Buys String Cheese To Make Coming To His Place Fun

STOCKTON, CA—In an effort to make his children’s upcoming weekend visit to his apartment more fun, divorced man and father of two Peter Dolan, 41, told reporters Monday that he has purchased a packet of string cheese. “Josh and Hannah will like these,” said Dolan after placing a six-pack of Sargento mozzarella cheese snacks in the dairy compartment of his largely empty refrigerator in preparation for his son and daughter’s weekend visit. “It’s cheese, but it comes in these little tubes that you can pull apart. So it’s a snack, but it’s fun, too. Maybe we can all eat it together.” Dolan added that after his children enjoy the cheese, the three of them could go see a movie at a nearby movie theater “or just hang out and watch TV.”

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close