adBlockCheck

Local

Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.
End Of Section
  • More News

Divorced Father Buys String Cheese To Make Coming To His Place Fun

STOCKTON, CA—In an effort to make his children’s upcoming weekend visit to his apartment more fun, divorced man and father of two Peter Dolan, 41, told reporters Monday that he has purchased a packet of string cheese. “Josh and Hannah will like these,” said Dolan after placing a six-pack of Sargento mozzarella cheese snacks in the dairy compartment of his largely empty refrigerator in preparation for his son and daughter’s weekend visit. “It’s cheese, but it comes in these little tubes that you can pull apart. So it’s a snack, but it’s fun, too. Maybe we can all eat it together.” Dolan added that after his children enjoy the cheese, the three of them could go see a movie at a nearby movie theater “or just hang out and watch TV.”

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close