DMV Reconsidering 'One For the Road' Driver Relaxation Campaign

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Vol 30 Issue 04

U.S. Consumers Demand Wider Selection

WASHINGTON, DC—Dissatisfied with their current range of choices, American consumers banded together Sunday to demand a wider selection of merchandise from the nation's retailers. "The current so-called 'selection' is deplorable," said group spokesperson and educated shopper Georgette Hughes. "Most things you buy, there's barely more than 20 varieties. When I go to an electronics chain, I want to see several hundred VCRs from which to choose. When I'm shopping for kitty litter, I want a thousand. This is bullshit." Hughes is calling for a mass boycott of all U.S. stores, with the exception of Home Depot and Wal-Mart.

Erik Estrada Big In Mexico

LOS ANGELES—According to word out of Hollywood, former CHIPs star and '70s sex symbol Erik Estrada is reportedly big in Mexico. "Yeah, Erik Estrada. Sure, I remember him—supposedly he's real big in Mexico now," said Ron Wolfstein, partner in the prominent talent agency of Wolfstein, Miller and Diamond. "I think I heard something about him being on whatever the big soap opera is down there. I forget what it's called—something like Siempre Amor, or Siempro de Todo? I'm not sure." Added Wolfstein: "Actually, forget it—I think I'm thinking of that guy from Dukes of Hazzard."

'Perfect' Birthday Card Discovered In Local Mall

SCHAUMBURG, IL—After a nearly hour-long search, which included visits to some five stationery stores, local resident Doris Kessler finally found the perfect birthday card for a friend yesterday at Woodfield Mall. "This is just perfect for Kate!" said Kessler, 47, holding the card she selected for friend and co-worker Kate Adler. The card read, "So you're 39... Again!" Said Kessler, "I love to kid Kate about her age—she'll never admit how old she is!" Kessler plans to present the card to Adler at work Thursday, along with a humorous "Over the Hill" mylar balloon. "She's just going to die when she sees that!" Kessler said.

Kremlin Reports Yeltsin In Good Health Following Burial

MOSCOW—In an effort to quell the many rumors circulating regarding the Russian president's physical condition, Kremlin officials reassured the public yesterday that Boris Yeltsin is in good health following his burial. "Mr. Yeltsin is in fine shape, strong as a Russian bear," Kremlin information director Vladimir Chernovsky said, standing near Yeltsin's grave. "In fact, just before dying, Mr. Yeltsin took a long swim in the icy waters of the Volga River, barely tiring at all." To prove his point, Chernovsky removed the six feet of dirt covering Yeltsin, pointing out his healthy skin tone, hearty frame and barely eaten eyeballs.

I'm Leaving My Fortune to That Lad On the Wireless Radio

Did you know I was once Governor of our fair state? Yes, from 1914 to 1920. I was known as the "Strip-Mining Governor" for my historic ceding of over 27 million square acres of state-owned land to the boron mining interests. Unfortunately, not a trace of boron was found, thousands of farmers and miners starved to death, and I was voted out of office after only one term. Damn those fickle voter bastards!

I've Got a Serious Case of Election Fever!

Item! It's political mania out there, and yours truly has been in the thick of it! Now, I know I shouldn't do politics, but this year has been so spectacular that I had to put in my two cents worth.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Race Relations

DMV Reconsidering 'One For the Road' Driver Relaxation Campaign

SPRINGFIELD, IL—With drunk driving fatalities in Illinois nearly tripling in the past year, the state's Department of Motor Vehicles announced Monday it will re-examine its "One For the Road" Driver Relaxation promotional campaign.

In this DMV publicity shot, a driver and his passengers are "playing it safe," unwinding with a scotch and soda before facing the stress of a long drive through rush-hour traffic. According to DMV statistics, more than 80 percent of motorists report feeling "significantly more relaxed" after just one drink.

"Driving a car can be an incredibly stressful experience," DMV spokesperson Dale Pennington said. "That was the idea behind One For the Road—we felt it was important that motorists loosen up a bit before getting behind the wheel."

"It does seem, though," Pennington added, "that the program may still need some minor fine-tuning."

According to Pennington, the One For the Road program was based on a DMV study that revealed a positive correlation between alcohol consumption and driver confidence.

"We found that people who had consumed at least four beers or two mixed drinks before getting behind the wheel were twice as likely to believe they were in no danger of getting hurt or killed," Pennington said. "When operating a serious piece of machinery like a car, that's just the kind of confidence you need."

Among the DMV study's other findings: A majority of elderly respondents and female college freshmen reported being "more mellow" and "really tuned into the road" after just a single drink.

Launched last fall, the $5 million One For the Road campaign included talks by police officers at Illinois high schools encouraging kids to start "thinking about drinking," a statewide poster contest, and a series of print and television ads featuring the slogans, "Before You Hit the Road, Hit the Sauce," and "Unwind... To Survive!"

Since One For the Road began, some 2,300 DUI-related fatalities have occurred in Illinois, a 275 percent increase over the previous year.

"Perhaps we need to reconsider certain aspects of the program," said Bill Gerhardt, co-creator of One For the Road. "We need to ask ourselves, 'What parts of the program aren't working, and how can we fix them?'"

State safety experts have expressed concern over the possibility of One For the Road being cut.

"You get some alcoholic who leaves his snifter at home, and he can't even keep his hands on the wheel they're shaking so much. It's just not safe," said Hal Knauf, safety advisor for the Illinois Board of Transportation. "Get that guy his gin!"

Added Glenn Sturbert, an Illinois-licensed driver examination official: "Some of these 16-year-olds come in here so nervous and dry that I'm afraid to get in the car with them. Now, I myself can't sell them a little something to take the edge off—the DMV only has a Class B liquor license—but what's going on at home that the parental concern isn't there?"

Despite the program's suspension, many brochures are still available from the DMV offering information on "getting loose." "These materials are there so that no driver can ever claim ignorance as a reason for having driven in an unnecessarily tense state," Pennington said.

According to sources, One For the Road is not the only DMV program currently under fire. Also being investigated are the campaigns, "Smoke Up for Safety" and "Pack First!"

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