HOMESTEAD, FL—Acting on a tip from a local fisherman who caught the former vice president siphoning gas from his outboard motor, DNC Chairman Tom Perez on Monday reportedly tracked down Joe Biden deep in the Florida Everglades tossing whole raw chickens to alligators.
Sources confirmed that the bearded, shaggy-haired Biden, who withdrew from public life four months ago, was initially startled to see Perez, dropping the bird carcass he was de-feathering and uttering “ah shit” when he recognized the newly elected head of the Democratic Party.
“How the fuck did you guys find me?” said Biden, flicking a lit cigarette into the swamp before wiping his brow with the bottom of his faded Merit cigarettes tank top. “I was really hoping I’d seen my last federale pencil pusher.”
“Ain’t much I can do for you unless you want to see ’ol Betsy here make a 10-pound leghorn disappear,” added the former six-term Delaware senator, dangling a limp chicken over the snapping jaws of an adult female alligator. “These days I’m just trying to put together a gator show for the tourists and make some scratch, but since you hauled ass all the way down here, I guess you got Uncle Joe’s ear.”
Biden reportedly encouraged Perez to “take a load off” on an overturned plastic bucket outside his decrepit wooden shack, popped off the cork of a rum bottle with his teeth, took a long swig, and described how he was finally living the good life. The former VP then waded knee-deep into the water and attempted to grab a catfish barehanded while explaining that he relished the chance to spend quiet time in nature “way the fuck away from the D.C. shit fiesta.”
According to sources, the 74-year-old, who categorically refused Perez’s pleas to help the beleaguered Democratic Party campaign in a handful of local races, added that even a bad day in the swamp beat having to “waste a killer buzz sitting in some bullshit cabinet meeting” or “wank off the Joint Chiefs” like in his previous job.
Biden then warned the DNC chairman to keep his eyes peeled, explaining that the alligators could get a “little feisty” once they got a few chickens in them.
“Most of these guys are pretty chill, except for that big boy over there—watch out for the chompers on that fucker,” said Biden, gesturing with the severed tip of his right index finger toward a 9-foot-long male affectionately named Diablo. “He may have nipped my pleasure pointer, but he sure as shit got the business end of a broken Cuervo bottle.”
“So let’s just say we’ve got an unspoken agreement,” Biden added. “Still got the fingertip floating around with some ice-cold brewhas in case I ever need that sucker.”
While Biden admitted that more work needed to be done so that no American had to choose between affordable healthcare and Ozzfest tickets, he also reiterated his lack of interest in even a modest role in politics, and instead reportedly offered to take Perez for a spin in an old fan boat he’d recently restored in his downtime.
“My main man Rez, what do you think of my hot new fling?” said Biden, who accelerated the rickety boat through the brackish water and started “doing donuts” as Perez tightly gripped both sides of his seat and tried not to get mud on his clothes. “If I really gun her, we can catch some serious fuckin’ air.”
“Dammit, I think I just clipped a manatee,” Biden continued. “Better slow this puppy down or the dicks from Fish and Wildlife will be up my ass again.”
Easing back on the boat’s throttle, Biden reportedly invited the DNC chairman to help himself to a Slim Jim and a couple of Coors tallboys from a cooler in the stern.
“I’m not gonna lie, I’ve got a good thing going here in the Glades,” said Biden, turning up BulletBoys’ “Smooth Up In Ya” on a beat-up boombox covered in marijuana leaf and Graffix bong stickers. “The sun’s bright, and the babes ain’t got any damn tan-lines. Plus, I don’t have to worry about narcs like you telling me what I can and can’t say.”
“Listen, for the first time in my life, I’ve got my shit together, so I’m staying put,” Biden continued. “Next time you’re in D.C., give my best to Jilly. Just don’t mention where I am or your ass is fucking grass.”