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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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DNC Coverage: Cover Up

You get a lot of griping from journalists who say "Nothing Happens" at these political conventions. There is a lot going on - but you just have to look for it.

Last night I spent some time at the Con snooping around the beautiful Pepsi Cola Center. I started to get "the Hungries" and was pleased as punch when I saw the friendly logo of the Arby's Roast Beef Restaurant. But when I approached, I found that it had been shut down.

Why? Why do the Democrats HATE Arby's Roast Beef Restaurant?? Right there is a story waiting to be told. I may not have time to track down the answer on this but perhaps someone out there reading in the "Information Superhighway" can do some "Blogg" work and get to the bottom of it. This could be a moment for the "New Media" that people keep talking about to really shine.

One thing's for sure: something's rotten in Denver. I know the Democrats hate business, but my instincts tell me it's something more than that. Could it be that the secret skeleton in Barracks Obama's closet is that he is really a meat-hating vegetarian??

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