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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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DNC Keynote Speaker Definitely Not Keynote Speaker Only Because He's Latino

CHARLOTTE, NC—The keynote address at the Democratic National Convention tonight will be delivered by San Antonio mayor Julián Castro, who party sources have reiterated was given the very prominent speaking role as a result of his vast accomplishments in local government and definitely not just because he’s Latino. “I deliver my speech tonight as a widely respected political figure, and not at all because the Latino vote is pivotal to this November’s presidential election or because the Democratic Party is desperate for a young, telegenic Latino to be seen on national television endorsing the president,” Castro told reporters, repeatedly noting that his three-year tenure as mayor of San Antonio was the primary reason for his selection and not the fact that he plays very well with the largest minority group in the country. “Indeed, every single thing I say up here honestly represents my values and beliefs as a person and is in no way part of some patently contrived attempt to show Latino voters that the Obama administration indeed cares about them and has their best interests at heart. I assure you this is not that.” As evidence to support his argument, Castro pointed to the long history of thirtysomething mayors delivering keynote addresses at national political conventions.

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Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

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