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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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DNC Keynote Speaker Definitely Not Keynote Speaker Only Because He's Latino

CHARLOTTE, NC—The keynote address at the Democratic National Convention tonight will be delivered by San Antonio mayor Julián Castro, who party sources have reiterated was given the very prominent speaking role as a result of his vast accomplishments in local government and definitely not just because he’s Latino. “I deliver my speech tonight as a widely respected political figure, and not at all because the Latino vote is pivotal to this November’s presidential election or because the Democratic Party is desperate for a young, telegenic Latino to be seen on national television endorsing the president,” Castro told reporters, repeatedly noting that his three-year tenure as mayor of San Antonio was the primary reason for his selection and not the fact that he plays very well with the largest minority group in the country. “Indeed, every single thing I say up here honestly represents my values and beliefs as a person and is in no way part of some patently contrived attempt to show Latino voters that the Obama administration indeed cares about them and has their best interests at heart. I assure you this is not that.” As evidence to support his argument, Castro pointed to the long history of thirtysomething mayors delivering keynote addresses at national political conventions.

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