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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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DNC Keynote Speaker Definitely Not Keynote Speaker Only Because He's Latino

CHARLOTTE, NC—The keynote address at the Democratic National Convention tonight will be delivered by San Antonio mayor Julián Castro, who party sources have reiterated was given the very prominent speaking role as a result of his vast accomplishments in local government and definitely not just because he’s Latino. “I deliver my speech tonight as a widely respected political figure, and not at all because the Latino vote is pivotal to this November’s presidential election or because the Democratic Party is desperate for a young, telegenic Latino to be seen on national television endorsing the president,” Castro told reporters, repeatedly noting that his three-year tenure as mayor of San Antonio was the primary reason for his selection and not the fact that he plays very well with the largest minority group in the country. “Indeed, every single thing I say up here honestly represents my values and beliefs as a person and is in no way part of some patently contrived attempt to show Latino voters that the Obama administration indeed cares about them and has their best interests at heart. I assure you this is not that.” As evidence to support his argument, Castro pointed to the long history of thirtysomething mayors delivering keynote addresses at national political conventions.

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