DNC Keynote Speaker Definitely Not Keynote Speaker Only Because He's Latino

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Vol 48 Issue 36

Area Woman Dumped On 15-Week Anniversary

TACOMA, WA—Insult compounded romantic injury Saturday when local boyfriend Charles Pond not only broke up with Karen Brunhoff, the woman he has dated since last spring, but reportedly “had the nerve” to dump her on the couple’s 15-...

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BOSTON—Announcing its plan to offer short-term, affordable carp rentals for urbanites and college students who don’t own a carp of their own, Zipcarp Inc. launched a brand-new fish-sharing service earlier this month.

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Fox 12:00 p.m. EDT/11:00 a.m. CDT In the empty, darkened studio, Terry Bradshaw waits quietly for someone to josh with.
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DNC Keynote Speaker Definitely Not Keynote Speaker Only Because He's Latino

CHARLOTTE, NC—The keynote address at the Democratic National Convention tonight will be delivered by San Antonio mayor Julián Castro, who party sources have reiterated was given the very prominent speaking role as a result of his vast accomplishments in local government and definitely not just because he’s Latino. “I deliver my speech tonight as a widely respected political figure, and not at all because the Latino vote is pivotal to this November’s presidential election or because the Democratic Party is desperate for a young, telegenic Latino to be seen on national television endorsing the president,” Castro told reporters, repeatedly noting that his three-year tenure as mayor of San Antonio was the primary reason for his selection and not the fact that he plays very well with the largest minority group in the country. “Indeed, every single thing I say up here honestly represents my values and beliefs as a person and is in no way part of some patently contrived attempt to show Latino voters that the Obama administration indeed cares about them and has their best interests at heart. I assure you this is not that.” As evidence to support his argument, Castro pointed to the long history of thirtysomething mayors delivering keynote addresses at national political conventions.

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