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DNC Lacking Same Delusional Magic It Had In 2008

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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DNC Lacking Same Delusional Magic It Had In 2008

CHARLOTTE, NC—With the 2012 Democratic National Convention now under way in Charlotte, Beltway observers are reporting that the mood inside the Time Warner Cable Arena remains spirited and optimistic, despite a noticeable lack of the delusional, completely-out-of-touch-with-reality magic that characterized the event four years ago.

"While it’s an honor to be here, I have to say the mood on the floor just doesn’t have that same exhilarating spark of runaway optimism and absolute detachment from reality that was so thrilling back in 2008," said Illinois delegate Erin Carol, referring to the last DNC, in which a record number of supporters came together as one under completely illusory ideals of hope and change. “I still support the president, of course, but admittedly I don’t quite feel as though I’m being caught up in this big, stirring wave of entirely imaginary progress the way I did four years ago.”

"Hopefully at some point the convention will start to recapture that old enchanting and utterly deceptive feeling that America is on the cusp of a better and brighter tomorrow," Carol added.

According to sources, none of the students in attendance appeared to be discussing proposals for college debt-relief with quite the same degree of unthinking, asinine fervor as they did in 2008, nor did the older convention-goers seem quite as transfixed by the magic spell of actually believing they could retire with financial stability.

Moreover, not a single woman has thus far beamed with a comparable level of unfounded hope at the prospect of an equal pay bill, or excitedly, albeit idiotically, discussed the possibility of not leaving behind a thoroughly ravaged planet for their children and grandchildren.

“Obviously, people are never going to be seized by the exact same patently bullshit sense of destiny they were last time around, but I would like to see this convention have at least a little more of the totally deceptive electricity we saw in Denver,” convention attendee David Lowell said. “I think maybe in the next day or two people will really start to build up to moronically thinking real change is finally on its way.”

Political analysts have said that if Obama wants to regain momentum, he must use the 2012 convention to reproduce the spirit of unexamined and wholly unearned confidence that propelled millions of deluded young people to the polls in 2008, and must persuade those who voted for him four years ago that their sad, childlike trust was not misplaced.

In addition, sources confirmed that in order to recapture the nonsensical, preposterous magic of Denver, DNC organizers will have to create a program in which starry-eyed promises of bipartisanship, economic recovery, and relief for the middle class will be received with the same feeling of moronic glee that pervaded Mile High Stadium.

"It's definitely going to be tough to restore the misguided enthusiasm and baseless belief in a new tomorrow to the levels we saw four years ago,” said 54-year-old Linda Morrison, an Obama campaign volunteer. "Then again, if Obama gives a great speech on Thursday, and really wows people with the stirring, if ultimately meaningless, power of his words, then maybe we can be filled with the kind of foolish idealism that carried us through in 2008.”

Added Morrison, “I’m certainly open to it.”

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