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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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DNR Warns: U.S. Mayonnaise Reserves Dwindling

Washington, D.C.—The American condiment community reacted with shock Monday when the U.S. Department of Natural Resources announced that the nation’s natural mayonnaise reserves, long thought sufficient to carry the country into the 21st century, are, in fact, running dangerously low.

“Because of record heat in the Southwest basin, the outer layer of our national reserves spoiled prematurely,” DNR spokesperson David Korking said. “Millions of gallons of all-natural mayonnaise—mayonnaise that hundreds of species of waterfowl rely on to make wholesome egg salad—have, in effect, become a lethal poison.”

The DNR warned that the mile-deep wells that line the Pacific coast as well as the Gulf of Mexico, now must be tested extensively before being tapped and imported to U.S. processing plants. The DNR did unveil a plan to scoop and dump all spoiled mayonnaise into deep space, while at the same time stepping up measures to drill the forests of Alaska for fresh wells.

As of market-closing Tuesday, mayonnaise prices were up over four dollars per drum.

The Associated Press contributed to this story.

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