adBlockCheck

DNR Warns: U.S. Mayonnaise Reserves Dwindling

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

DNR Warns: U.S. Mayonnaise Reserves Dwindling

Washington, D.C.—The American condiment community reacted with shock Monday when the U.S. Department of Natural Resources announced that the nation’s natural mayonnaise reserves, long thought sufficient to carry the country into the 21st century, are, in fact, running dangerously low.

“Because of record heat in the Southwest basin, the outer layer of our national reserves spoiled prematurely,” DNR spokesperson David Korking said. “Millions of gallons of all-natural mayonnaise—mayonnaise that hundreds of species of waterfowl rely on to make wholesome egg salad—have, in effect, become a lethal poison.”

The DNR warned that the mile-deep wells that line the Pacific coast as well as the Gulf of Mexico, now must be tested extensively before being tapped and imported to U.S. processing plants. The DNR did unveil a plan to scoop and dump all spoiled mayonnaise into deep space, while at the same time stepping up measures to drill the forests of Alaska for fresh wells.

As of market-closing Tuesday, mayonnaise prices were up over four dollars per drum.

The Associated Press contributed to this story.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close