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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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DNR Warns: U.S. Mayonnaise Reserves Dwindling

Washington, D.C.—The American condiment community reacted with shock Monday when the U.S. Department of Natural Resources announced that the nation’s natural mayonnaise reserves, long thought sufficient to carry the country into the 21st century, are, in fact, running dangerously low.

“Because of record heat in the Southwest basin, the outer layer of our national reserves spoiled prematurely,” DNR spokesperson David Korking said. “Millions of gallons of all-natural mayonnaise—mayonnaise that hundreds of species of waterfowl rely on to make wholesome egg salad—have, in effect, become a lethal poison.”

The DNR warned that the mile-deep wells that line the Pacific coast as well as the Gulf of Mexico, now must be tested extensively before being tapped and imported to U.S. processing plants. The DNR did unveil a plan to scoop and dump all spoiled mayonnaise into deep space, while at the same time stepping up measures to drill the forests of Alaska for fresh wells.

As of market-closing Tuesday, mayonnaise prices were up over four dollars per drum.

The Associated Press contributed to this story.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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