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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Do you plan to join the boycott against the 7,219 American foods that contain GoldenMade corn syrup?

Many are saying high fructose corn syrup manufacturer GoldenMade is not doing enough to clean up the massive midwest corn syrup spill. Will you boycott the American foods that currently contain their corn syrup, which includes soda, fruit drinks, pasta sauce, ketchup, pizza sauce, barbecue sauce, macaroni and cheese, cold cuts, bacon, sausage, bread, cookies, cakes, rolls, English muffins, granola bars, waffles, pickles, applesauce, yogurt, cottage cheese, salad dressing, chicken strips, french fries, and breakfast cereal?

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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