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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Do you plan to join the boycott against the 7,219 American foods that contain GoldenMade corn syrup?

Many are saying high fructose corn syrup manufacturer GoldenMade is not doing enough to clean up the massive midwest corn syrup spill. Will you boycott the American foods that currently contain their corn syrup, which includes soda, fruit drinks, pasta sauce, ketchup, pizza sauce, barbecue sauce, macaroni and cheese, cold cuts, bacon, sausage, bread, cookies, cakes, rolls, English muffins, granola bars, waffles, pickles, applesauce, yogurt, cottage cheese, salad dressing, chicken strips, french fries, and breakfast cereal?

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