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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Doctor Just Uses Same Ultrasound Picture For Every Baby

MEQUON, WI—Saying that the practice saves her considerable time and effort each day, local ob-gyn doctor Anna Schiesser told reporters Thursday that she typically just shows soon-to-be parents the same ultrasound picture for every baby. “I’ve got about 200 copies of this thing in my desk, so rather than print up a new one, I usually just whip one of these out and then sit back as they ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ over a picture of a fetus I took back in 1999,” said Dr. Schiesser, noting how she usually tells parents whether the child is male or female by drawing their attention to the same dark spot on the image each time. “I’ll point out its head or a hand and say something about how it looks like it’s developing nicely or whatever. A lot of times people say they can see a family resemblance. Honestly, everyone seems to leave here feeling pretty excited, and it makes my day way easier, so why not?” Schiesser confirmed that she’s fully prepared in the case of babies in the breech position, saying that she keeps numerous copies of a digitally mirrored version of the same image on hand as well.

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