adBlockCheck

Local

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Doctor Just Uses Same Ultrasound Picture For Every Baby

MEQUON, WI—Saying that the practice saves her considerable time and effort each day, local ob-gyn doctor Anna Schiesser told reporters Thursday that she typically just shows soon-to-be parents the same ultrasound picture for every baby. “I’ve got about 200 copies of this thing in my desk, so rather than print up a new one, I usually just whip one of these out and then sit back as they ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ over a picture of a fetus I took back in 1999,” said Dr. Schiesser, noting how she usually tells parents whether the child is male or female by drawing their attention to the same dark spot on the image each time. “I’ll point out its head or a hand and say something about how it looks like it’s developing nicely or whatever. A lot of times people say they can see a family resemblance. Honestly, everyone seems to leave here feeling pretty excited, and it makes my day way easier, so why not?” Schiesser confirmed that she’s fully prepared in the case of babies in the breech position, saying that she keeps numerous copies of a digitally mirrored version of the same image on hand as well.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close