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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Doctor Just Uses Same Ultrasound Picture For Every Baby

MEQUON, WI—Saying that the practice saves her considerable time and effort each day, local ob-gyn doctor Anna Schiesser told reporters Thursday that she typically just shows soon-to-be parents the same ultrasound picture for every baby. “I’ve got about 200 copies of this thing in my desk, so rather than print up a new one, I usually just whip one of these out and then sit back as they ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ over a picture of a fetus I took back in 1999,” said Dr. Schiesser, noting how she usually tells parents whether the child is male or female by drawing their attention to the same dark spot on the image each time. “I’ll point out its head or a hand and say something about how it looks like it’s developing nicely or whatever. A lot of times people say they can see a family resemblance. Honestly, everyone seems to leave here feeling pretty excited, and it makes my day way easier, so why not?” Schiesser confirmed that she’s fully prepared in the case of babies in the breech position, saying that she keeps numerous copies of a digitally mirrored version of the same image on hand as well.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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