adBlockCheck

Local

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Doctor Quickly Scribbles Prescription That Will Lead To 30-Year Battle With Painkiller Addiction

TAMPA, FL—After a brief consultation with new patient Dan Highland, local primary care physician Dr. Harold Schlesinger quickly scribbled down a prescription that will touch off a self-destructive 30-year battle with painkiller addiction, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I gave you a few refills in case the pain lingers,” said Schlesinger, casually handing over a slip of paper that effectively set in motion three decades of compulsive abuse of opioids, a torturous cycle of detox and relapse, and a dark, drawn-out period of pain and anguish that will not only consume Highland, but his family members and friends as well. “Let me know if this dosage isn’t strong enough, and I’ll either bump you up or we’ll get you on something new.” Schlesinger quickly added that while it’s recommended that patients not drink alcohol while on the prescription, in practice Highland should “just use moderation.”

More from this section

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close