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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Doctor Quickly Scribbles Prescription That Will Lead To 30-Year Battle With Painkiller Addiction

TAMPA, FL—After a brief consultation with new patient Dan Highland, local primary care physician Dr. Harold Schlesinger quickly scribbled down a prescription that will touch off a self-destructive 30-year battle with painkiller addiction, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I gave you a few refills in case the pain lingers,” said Schlesinger, casually handing over a slip of paper that effectively set in motion three decades of compulsive abuse of opioids, a torturous cycle of detox and relapse, and a dark, drawn-out period of pain and anguish that will not only consume Highland, but his family members and friends as well. “Let me know if this dosage isn’t strong enough, and I’ll either bump you up or we’ll get you on something new.” Schlesinger quickly added that while it’s recommended that patients not drink alcohol while on the prescription, in practice Highland should “just use moderation.”

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