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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Doctor Quickly Scribbles Prescription That Will Lead To 30-Year Battle With Painkiller Addiction

TAMPA, FL—After a brief consultation with new patient Dan Highland, local primary care physician Dr. Harold Schlesinger quickly scribbled down a prescription that will touch off a self-destructive 30-year battle with painkiller addiction, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I gave you a few refills in case the pain lingers,” said Schlesinger, casually handing over a slip of paper that effectively set in motion three decades of compulsive abuse of opioids, a torturous cycle of detox and relapse, and a dark, drawn-out period of pain and anguish that will not only consume Highland, but his family members and friends as well. “Let me know if this dosage isn’t strong enough, and I’ll either bump you up or we’ll get you on something new.” Schlesinger quickly added that while it’s recommended that patients not drink alcohol while on the prescription, in practice Highland should “just use moderation.”

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