Doctors: Cancer Patients Who Watched The Onion’s Amazon Pilot Daily Showed Signs Of Remission

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Vol 49 Issue 20

Everyone Forgets To Bring Swimsuits To Coworker’s Party

ARLINGTON, TX—While gathered for a party at a coworker’s backyard pool Saturday, out-of-shape colleagues at Shuster, Layne & Associates were struck by the coincidence that they had somehow each forgotten to bring bathing apparel to the fes...

Obama's Second Term Mired In Scandal

President Obama’s second term is off to a rocky start, with the acting IRS chief stepping down, the Justice Department seizing journalists’ phone records, and Republicans continuing to allege a high-level cover-up of the Benghazi attack last S...

Obama Fondly Recalls Frustration Of First Term

WASHINGTON—Saying that those were definitely some good times, a reflective President Obama told reporters Friday that the current scandals plaguing his administration have made him long for the deeply frustrating, often maddening political climate o...

Nation Supposes It's Outraged By White House Scandals

WASHINGTON—Reacting to the number of major scandals currently plaguing the White House, a somewhat confused American populace told reporters Friday that yeah, sure, they’re totally outraged or whatever about what’s currently going on in ...

Every Glass In Grandmother’s Cupboard Visibly Filthy

Sasha Obama becomes suspicious after doing a little digging around on Benghazi, this has to be the year a local miniature golf course goes out of business, and a dude with a knit hat at a party calls beer 'libations.' It's the week of May 17, 2013
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Doctors: Cancer Patients Who Watched The Onion’s Amazon Pilot Daily Showed Signs Of Remission

WASHINGTON—According to dramatic new findings announced by the American Medical Association Monday, thousands of patients at cancer treatment facilities across the United States displayed signs of full remission after repeatedly viewing The Onion’s new Amazon television pilot over a period of several days. “Every form of cancer we studied, including inoperable Stage IV brain, lung, and pancreatic cancers, began decreasing in severity and extent as soon as patients began streaming Onion News Empire on Amazon,” said renowned oncologist Arthur Maxwell, noting that patients returned to their pre-disease levels of energy, alertness, and appetite within moments of viewing the show’s opening credits. “After a week of daily viewings, all tumors and lesions had disappeared completely, and 100 percent of patients were discharged from the hospital with clean bills of health. Simply put, Onion News Empire appears to be even more potent and effective than our most intensive chemotherapy and targeted radiation treatments without a single side effect—that is, if you don’t count being thoroughly entertained as a side effect.” Maxwell confirmed, however, that viewing Onion News Empire without filling out the accompanying online user review caused irreversible spinal meningitis among all patients.

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