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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Doctors: Cancer Patients Who Watched The Onion’s Amazon Pilot Daily Showed Signs Of Remission

WASHINGTON—According to dramatic new findings announced by the American Medical Association Monday, thousands of patients at cancer treatment facilities across the United States displayed signs of full remission after repeatedly viewing The Onion’s new Amazon television pilot over a period of several days. “Every form of cancer we studied, including inoperable Stage IV brain, lung, and pancreatic cancers, began decreasing in severity and extent as soon as patients began streaming Onion News Empire on Amazon,” said renowned oncologist Arthur Maxwell, noting that patients returned to their pre-disease levels of energy, alertness, and appetite within moments of viewing the show’s opening credits. “After a week of daily viewings, all tumors and lesions had disappeared completely, and 100 percent of patients were discharged from the hospital with clean bills of health. Simply put, Onion News Empire appears to be even more potent and effective than our most intensive chemotherapy and targeted radiation treatments without a single side effect—that is, if you don’t count being thoroughly entertained as a side effect.” Maxwell confirmed, however, that viewing Onion News Empire without filling out the accompanying online user review caused irreversible spinal meningitis among all patients.

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