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Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Doctors Clear Peyton Manning To Let 300-Pound Men Slam Him Into The Ground As Hard As They Can

INDIANAPOLIS—Sources confirmed Friday that Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning had been cleared by doctors to resume his career of being chased, clubbed, and thrown to the ground by 300-pound men, often with the 300-pound men falling on top of him. "So far as I can tell, Peyton has no reason to be concerned about returning to the most violent game that exists in our culture," Colts neurosurgeon Dr. Hank Feuer said of Manning, who had bones fused together in his spinal column in order to protect the nerves that provide him with basic motor function in all his extremities. "After a thorough medical evaluation, we can safely say that Manning is cleared to engage in an activity that could very feasibly result in his head being pulled backward by one of the world's strongest physical specimens, then subsequently slammed into a cold, unyielding surface." When asked Wednesday whether he had any trepidations about jeopardizing his future with his family for a few games in the twilight of an already Hall of Fame–worthy career, Manning said he was "just trying to focus on returning to football."

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