Doctors Closing In On 'Second Head-Bonk' Amnesia Cure

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Vol 32 Issue 18

Supreme Court Overturns Car

WASHINGTON, DC—The Supreme Court overturned a 1978 Ford Pinto Sunday, ending the car's "wheels on the ground" position.

Rick Moranis To Star In Straight-To-Video Release Honey, I Shrunk Some More Shit

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Disney Pictures announced Monday that it has signed Rick Moranis to star in Honey, I Shrunk Some More Shit, the 27th production in the ongoing TV and film franchise. "All heck breaks loose when the family’s lawn mower is shrunk to the size of a little toy mower," Disney CEO Michael Eisner told reporters. "And then the refrigerator shrinks. Then the family’s new piano, then the guy who checks the gas meter, then, for an over-the-top climax, the oldest son’s bicycle." Said Moranis: "Basically, I’m going to be running around the house, shrinking a whole bunch of shit."

Enormous Man Spends Another Day Indoors

DECATUR, IL—Area large man Lawrence Schickle reinforced his sedentary lifestyle Sunday with the decision to remain in bed all day. "I shall not venture out of doors for the remainder of the weekend," the morbidly obese Schickle said. "I may not even go to the bathroom if I can possibly postpone it until Monday morning." Citing exhaustion from the previous Tuesday’s taping of a Simon & Simon rerun, Schickle said he would spend the day watching cable TV and eating institutional-sized cans of Chef Boy-Ar-Dee Beef Ravioli.

Longtime Employee Given Small Pewter Object

ROANOKE, VA—Thomas Campa, a retiring 40-year employee of Wadman & Long Distributing, was presented with a small pewter object Tuesday in recognition of his four decades with the company. "This is our way of saying ‘Thank you’ for all you have given Wadman & Long over the years," CEO Michael Dutler said. The pewter object, described by witnesses as "shiny," was nestled in an attractive cardboard display case, cushioned by a perforated imitation-velvet card. The object was bestowed upon Campa in an approximately one-minute ceremony at his desk at 4:54 p.m., after which cake was served. Campa, who has reportedly missed eight days of work in his career, observed the milestone privately later that night by finishing a bottle of Tanqueray gin.

Nation Horrified By Freakish Multiple Birth

KEARNEY, NE—In these oft-troubled times, it sometimes seems like all America needs is a little hope—some miraculous, life-affirming tale of small-town triumph that puts all the pain and struggle into perspective and reminds us of what life is really all about.

I Gotta Learn To Watch My Mouth

Hola amigos. What up? Me, I've been better. You see, my damn engine busted on my car, so I had to unload it. There was no way I was gonna dump $2,000 into a car I paid $750 for, so I took off the good tires, the kick-ass stereo and the battery, and I sold it to the junkyard for $50.

Uncle Sam Is A Bastard

Yes, I know Uncle Sam, know him very well. He's a god-damn rat bastard scoundrel, and if I ever lay eyes on him again I'll stab him in the throat. It is I who deserves to be the emblem of our great Republic, not that foppish pansy, putting on airs with his starred waist-coat and his red-striped pantaloons and the like.
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

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Doctors Closing In On 'Second Head-Bonk' Amnesia Cure

ROCHESTER, NY—Doctors at the prestigious Rochester Memorial Medical Institute announced Monday a major breakthrough in the battle to cure "Head-Bonk Amnesia," a mysterious and debilitating form of memory loss caused by blows to the head.

ONION Med Watch

According to researcher Dr. Clayton Yates, Head-Bonk Amnesia, or HBA, affects an estimated 20 million Americans each year. The condition, he said, may be curable with an experimental "Second Head-Bonk" treatment, currently being tested at the New York facility.

"Head-bonk-induced amnesia—in which victims lose recollection of their identity after suffering sharp, zany blows to the cranial cavity with such household items as ladders, paint buckets, anvils and oversized novelty mallets—has long baffled science," Yates said. "Our research now indicates that this condition, long considered incurable, may possibly be reversed with the application of a second head-bonk of equal or greater severity. It is our hope that millions of amnesiacs across the U.S. will one day have their memories of themselves and loved ones restored through such revolutionary, nutty treatment."

Despite their enthusiasm, Yates and the other members of the head-bonk research team stressed that a safe, cost-effective cure for HBA remains a long-term goal, and that further research is necessary before the second head-bonk procedure can become available to the public.

Secondary Head-Bonk Amnesia Therapy, bonk-impact point, coreresponding bonk-impact point.

"The slightest miscalculation of strength and positioning of the second head-bonk could potentially result in a host of undesirable side effects, including but not limited to: honking, clanging and fire-engine sound effects; hallucinations of birds and stars flying in a circular pattern around the patient's skull; and, in the most severe cases, the flattening of the skull into the shape of the object with which the patient has been struck," said Dr. Thomas "Tex" Avery, head of the Rochester Institute research team.

According to Avery, one of the greatest roadblocks to perfecting the second head-bonk cure has been "the extreme difficulty of finding a head-bonking device that generates the precise amount of cranial bonk-pressure necessary to reverse the amnesia."

While such a device has still not been located, Avery noted that coconuts have shown promise in laboratory tests.

"The search for an HBA cure is one of the greatest, most important challenges facing modern medicine. Not only do its millions of victims suffer complete memory loss, but they also must endure on a daily basis the countless wacky mix-ups with loved ones, roommates, co-workers, and even pets that inevitably result from the condition," Avery said.

"Sadly, once these sorts of zany mistaken-identity capers begin," Avery said, "it is usually just a matter of time before madcap shenanigans, many of them permanent and incurable, ensue."

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