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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Doctors Concerned As Joe Blanton’s Goatee Flares Up Again

PHILADELPHIA—Team doctors expressed their concern about the future of Phillies pitcher Joe Blanton Tuesday after the goatee that has plagued him nearly his entire career once again flared up. "We've never seen it this bad," said team physician Steve Cohen, holding up a photo of the inflamed growth, which has reportedly swollen to twice its size since Blanton’s last checkup. "We've tried to warn Joe about this in the past, but now our fears about it spreading are being realized. At this point, we feel the only remaining solution is to cut it off entirely." As of press time, Blanton had just issued a statement saying he would seek a second opinion from a specialist.

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