adBlockCheck

Sports

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
End Of Section
  • More News

Doctors Concerned As Joe Blanton’s Goatee Flares Up Again

PHILADELPHIA—Team doctors expressed their concern about the future of Phillies pitcher Joe Blanton Tuesday after the goatee that has plagued him nearly his entire career once again flared up. "We've never seen it this bad," said team physician Steve Cohen, holding up a photo of the inflamed growth, which has reportedly swollen to twice its size since Blanton’s last checkup. "We've tried to warn Joe about this in the past, but now our fears about it spreading are being realized. At this point, we feel the only remaining solution is to cut it off entirely." As of press time, Blanton had just issued a statement saying he would seek a second opinion from a specialist.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close