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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Doctors No Closer To Cure For Old-Person Smell

BALTIMORE—Doctors at Johns Hopkins University announced Monday that after years of research and millions of dollars spent, no progress has been made in the fight to cure Old-Person Smell. "Sadly, we still are no closer to eliminating OPS," team leader Dr. Bernard Houchin told reporters. But it is our solemn vow to lead the fight against this strange, kinda-stale smell for as long as need be, until no elderly person's family or friends have to experience that weird, sorta-medicinal, sorta-uriney odor ever again." Added Houchin, "What is that smell, anyway?"

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