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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Doctors Optimistic Sam Bradford 2 Months Away From Beginning Work On Broadcasting Career

ST. LOUIS—Stressing that the 26-year-old is remaining positive during his initial recovery from a second season-ending knee injury, team doctors expressed their optimism Friday that St. Louis Rams quarterback Sam Bradford is just two months from starting work on a promising sports broadcasting career. “Given his MRI scans and the general timetable for any ACL reconstruction, Sam will need roughly 60 days before he can start laying the foundations for delivering concise and articulate color commentary during a live football broadcast,” said team orthopedic surgeon Dr. Matthew Matava, noting that based on the extent of the ligament damage, the former Heisman Trophy winner should be able to begin practicing on-camera play-by-play analysis in six to eight weeks. “A conservative estimate would have him working with a voice coach and reading text from a teleprompter within three months, but barring any major setbacks, he could begin that process as early as mid-October. Sam has shown a great commitment to his rehab, and he is already well on his way to comfortably exchanging banter on the set of a postgame show by the start of next season.” Matava went on to tell reporters he is “incredibly confident” that Bradford will go on to have a long and productive career on ESPN’s College GameDay.

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