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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Doctors Recount Difficult Procedure To Separate Conjoined Splash Brothers At Birth

SAN FRANCISCO—Explaining that the harrowing 27-hour operation only had a 13 percent chance of success, doctors from UCSF Medical Center recalled Thursday the incredibly difficult procedure to separate the conjoined Splash Brothers at birth. “We quickly discovered a bleeding internal vein shared between the two that didn’t appear in our initial 3D imaging, causing us to almost lose Steph right away,” said lead surgeon Robert Pacheco, adding that his 12-doctor team of pediatric surgeons and anesthesiologists worked in shifts to separate the then-newborn Splash Brothers, whose bodies were initially fused from the top of the abdomen to the pelvis. “The most significant complication arose when we realized the two shared a liver and part of the digestive tract, so we had to proceed very cautiously, and fortunately managed to avoid hitting any arteries. Because of the unexpected blood loss early on, we were prepared to lose one or both Splash Brothers, but they fought through the procedure, and thankfully, the two of them made it.” Pacheco added that some kidney damage suffered during the operation caused Steph’s stunted growth, which remains the reason he is still much smaller than Klay.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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