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Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Doctors Refuse To Clear Concussed Michael Vick After He Claims Eagles Can Still Make Playoffs

PHILADELPHIA—As they continued to monitor the 12-year veteran for concussion symptoms, Eagles team doctors announced this morning that they would not clear quarterback Michael Vick to play this Sunday after hearing him claim his team “still has a great chance” to make the playoffs. “When Michael said that it immediately raised all kinds of medical red flags,” said head physician Dr. Peter DeLuca, adding that highly irrational delusions such as Vick’s were a classic symptom of severe concussions. “As a doctor, I cannot in good conscience let a player walk onto the field believing that the Philadelphia Eagles—a 3-6 team that has already lost to both the Cardinals and the goddamn Detroit Lions—have even the faintest hope of reaching the postseason.” DeLuca confirmed that medical personnel grew even more concerned about Vick’s condition after the quarterback held up seven fingers when asked how many more games the Eagles would win this season.

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