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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Doctors Refuse To Clear Concussed Michael Vick After He Claims Eagles Can Still Make Playoffs

PHILADELPHIA—As they continued to monitor the 12-year veteran for concussion symptoms, Eagles team doctors announced this morning that they would not clear quarterback Michael Vick to play this Sunday after hearing him claim his team “still has a great chance” to make the playoffs. “When Michael said that it immediately raised all kinds of medical red flags,” said head physician Dr. Peter DeLuca, adding that highly irrational delusions such as Vick’s were a classic symptom of severe concussions. “As a doctor, I cannot in good conscience let a player walk onto the field believing that the Philadelphia Eagles—a 3-6 team that has already lost to both the Cardinals and the goddamn Detroit Lions—have even the faintest hope of reaching the postseason.” DeLuca confirmed that medical personnel grew even more concerned about Vick’s condition after the quarterback held up seven fingers when asked how many more games the Eagles would win this season.

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