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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Doctors Refuse To Clear Concussed Michael Vick After He Claims Eagles Can Still Make Playoffs

PHILADELPHIA—As they continued to monitor the 12-year veteran for concussion symptoms, Eagles team doctors announced this morning that they would not clear quarterback Michael Vick to play this Sunday after hearing him claim his team “still has a great chance” to make the playoffs. “When Michael said that it immediately raised all kinds of medical red flags,” said head physician Dr. Peter DeLuca, adding that highly irrational delusions such as Vick’s were a classic symptom of severe concussions. “As a doctor, I cannot in good conscience let a player walk onto the field believing that the Philadelphia Eagles—a 3-6 team that has already lost to both the Cardinals and the goddamn Detroit Lions—have even the faintest hope of reaching the postseason.” DeLuca confirmed that medical personnel grew even more concerned about Vick’s condition after the quarterback held up seven fingers when asked how many more games the Eagles would win this season.

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