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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Doctors Reveal Dick Cheney Burning Through At Least 3 Hearts Each Week

JACKSON HOLE, WY—A team of doctors responsible for the care of Dick Cheney revealed Thursday that for the past few years, the former vice president has burned through a minimum of three hearts every week. “Within a time span of 48 hours or so, Mr. Cheney generally exhausts his heart until it is totally unusable, at which point he comes in for a fresh heart transplant to get him through the next few days,” said cardiac surgeon Dr. Anthony Griener, noting that when a spent heart is pulled from Cheney’s thoracic cavity, it generally emerges smoldering, shriveled, and completely black, at times also secreting a corrosive, viscous brown liquid. “He’s had so many transplants at this point that we no longer even have to apply general anesthesia or make a new incision for the procedure. He comes in, we chat with him for a bit while we pry open his chest, and we insert a fresh heart. Then he’s on his way.” Doctors also revealed that Cheney is thriving under these conditions and will likely continue to live for many, many, many years to come.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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