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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Doctors Say Reagan's Dementia Increasingly Hilarious

YORBA LINDA, CA—Doctors in charge of providing ongoing medical care for Ronald Reagan announced Monday that the former president—whose mental and physical health have deteriorated since he was first diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease in April 1993—has entered a critical state of rapid decline, causing his condition to be "even more hilarious" than before.

Reagan at his 86th birthday party last February, moments before slathering his armpits in frosting.

"As Mr. Reagan's dementia has advanced over the last few months, and he has slipped further and further away from us, his status has been amusing, to say the least," said Dr. Gregory Wachter, head of the Reagan medical team. "However, recent progression of the disease into its advanced stages has made his overall condition markedly more severe and, I dare say, hilarious."

His face betraying genuine emotion, Wachter then related several side-splitting episodes of recent Reagan senility, including the former president's scrubbing his face and hands with scrambled eggs, his insistence that his table lamp had become pregnant, and his increasingly vehement demands to play "Mr. Horsey" with medical attendants.

"The fact that this particular patient was once the leader of the free world," Wachter added, "only reinforces the intense comedic impact of seeing him put both feet into the same leg of his trousers and then, attempting to stand up, pitch violently forward into the waiting arms of Secret Service personnel."

According to Wachter, physicians upgraded Reagan's condition from "amusing" to "very funny" last January, when he began referring to all friendly females as "pill lady" and threatening females as "Nancy." The move to "hilarious" was made late last week, Wachter said, when Reagan began brandishing his wrinkled, shrunken penis at visitors who attempted to smoke in his presence, shouting, "Fire engine! Fire engine!" and voiding a brief dribble of urine in their direction.

"Sadly," Wachter said, "it appears to be only a matter of time before Mr. Reagan's condition reaches the "uproarious" stage.

Dr. Emil Gwertzmann, chief neurologist at UCLA Medical Center and a longtime member of the Reagan medical team, said that difficulty breathing, inability to speak and convulsions are just some of the symptoms associated with watching Reagan attempt to hold arms-reduction talks with a bag of Fritos.

"A sharp, stabbing sensation in the ribs can also be a side-effect of watching one of the most dominant political figures of the 20th century address a folding chair as 'Edwin Meese,'" Gwertzmann said. "It can be quite painful."

Reagan, when asked about his condition, denied any knowledge of the funds' diversion to the Contras and called for his favorite blue pillow.

"If the nation's air-traffic controllers do not return to work within the next 24 hours, they will be fired," Reagan said. "Hello, pretty little birds. Hello!"

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