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Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Doctors Say Reagan's Dementia Increasingly Hilarious

YORBA LINDA, CA—Doctors in charge of providing ongoing medical care for Ronald Reagan announced Monday that the former president—whose mental and physical health have deteriorated since he was first diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease in April 1993—has entered a critical state of rapid decline, causing his condition to be "even more hilarious" than before.

Reagan at his 86th birthday party last February, moments before slathering his armpits in frosting.

"As Mr. Reagan's dementia has advanced over the last few months, and he has slipped further and further away from us, his status has been amusing, to say the least," said Dr. Gregory Wachter, head of the Reagan medical team. "However, recent progression of the disease into its advanced stages has made his overall condition markedly more severe and, I dare say, hilarious."

His face betraying genuine emotion, Wachter then related several side-splitting episodes of recent Reagan senility, including the former president's scrubbing his face and hands with scrambled eggs, his insistence that his table lamp had become pregnant, and his increasingly vehement demands to play "Mr. Horsey" with medical attendants.

"The fact that this particular patient was once the leader of the free world," Wachter added, "only reinforces the intense comedic impact of seeing him put both feet into the same leg of his trousers and then, attempting to stand up, pitch violently forward into the waiting arms of Secret Service personnel."

According to Wachter, physicians upgraded Reagan's condition from "amusing" to "very funny" last January, when he began referring to all friendly females as "pill lady" and threatening females as "Nancy." The move to "hilarious" was made late last week, Wachter said, when Reagan began brandishing his wrinkled, shrunken penis at visitors who attempted to smoke in his presence, shouting, "Fire engine! Fire engine!" and voiding a brief dribble of urine in their direction.

"Sadly," Wachter said, "it appears to be only a matter of time before Mr. Reagan's condition reaches the "uproarious" stage.

Dr. Emil Gwertzmann, chief neurologist at UCLA Medical Center and a longtime member of the Reagan medical team, said that difficulty breathing, inability to speak and convulsions are just some of the symptoms associated with watching Reagan attempt to hold arms-reduction talks with a bag of Fritos.

"A sharp, stabbing sensation in the ribs can also be a side-effect of watching one of the most dominant political figures of the 20th century address a folding chair as 'Edwin Meese,'" Gwertzmann said. "It can be quite painful."

Reagan, when asked about his condition, denied any knowledge of the funds' diversion to the Contras and called for his favorite blue pillow.

"If the nation's air-traffic controllers do not return to work within the next 24 hours, they will be fired," Reagan said. "Hello, pretty little birds. Hello!"

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