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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Doctors: Still 50-50 Chance That Broken Bone Will Mean Euthanasia For Matsui

NEW YORK—Surgeons for the New York Yankees say that although Hideki Matsui seems to be healing satisfactorily two weeks after undergoing surgery to repair the broken left wrist he suffered May 11 against the Red Sox, there is still an outside chance that the outfielder will have to be put down. "You obviously don't want to think in those terms, since besides being a valuable property, he's been a real competitor," said Dr. Stuart Rosenwasser, the Yankees team physician, who performed the surgery and has been observing Matsui's recovery in a special padded stall. "It's no exaggeration to say Hideki's been a real horse for this team." If worst does come to worst, owner George Steinbrenner has said that Matsui would be put to rest along the third-base line along with euthanized Yankee greats Joe DiMaggio (bone spur) and Lou Gehrig (broken leg).

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