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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Documentary A Scathing Indictment Of Director’s Filmmaking Skills

BOSTON—Saying the film exposes director Kenneth Strable’s total lack of pacing, editing, and cinematography skills, critics and viewers alike have called the newly released documentary The Cost Of Labor a “scathing indictment of the filmmaker’s creative abilities,” reports confirmed this week. “Right from the outset, this film explores the dark underbelly of this so-called auteur, unearthing the ugly truth about his grasp on everything from sound design to storytelling,” said film reviewer Ella McNareth, who noted that after sitting through the damning exposé’s silent five-minute opening shot of an abandoned factory, she would “never look at this director the same way again.” “Certain scenes are extremely hard to watch, and you’re left feeling awful for anyone who played a part in its making. But as disturbing as it is, this documentary is required viewing for anyone who wants to fully understand how unqualified this director is.” McNareth added that perhaps if enough people were to see the documentary, Strable might never be able to make another film again.

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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