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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Documentary Manny Ramirez Talking About Turns Out To Be 'Billy Madison'

LOS ANGELES—After less than five minutes listening to Manny Ramirez describe a "powerful documentary" about a son who struggles to take over his father's business, Dodgers teammates concluded that the perennial all-star was actually talking about the 1995 Adam Sandler comedy Billy Madison. "I kind of figured it was Billy Madison when Manny started talking about 'the bad man' who tried to take the company from the opera singer from Saturday Night Live," teammate Mark Loretta said. "And when he said the most interesting part was learning that penguins can 'grow to be as tall as men,' that pretty much clinched it." Ramirez later told his teammates he was looking forward to a new documentary about the the auto industry, in which an overweight man and a skinny man travel across America in an attempt to sell brake pads.

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