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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Dodgers Grounds Crew Places Tarp Over Unsightly Crowd

LOS ANGELES—The Los Angeles Dodgers were forced to stop play Sunday against the Chicago White Sox to allow the grounds crew to come out and pull a tarp over the unsightly Dodger Stadium crowd. "You hate to stop the game, but it was getting next to impossible for the guys to play in conditions like that," manager Don Mattingly said of the 38,000 hideous Dodger fans who filled the stands, nearly ruining the game by being clearly visible. "I'm just glad our grounds crew reacted quickly, because Lord knows the damage those fans could have done to the facility otherwise. Somebody almost certainly would have gotten hurt." The specially made tarp used to cover Dodger Stadium attendees is the second-largest tarp in Major League Baseball behind that used by the Indians during home games to cover the rest of Cleveland.

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