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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Dodgers Grounds Crew Places Tarp Over Unsightly Crowd

LOS ANGELES—The Los Angeles Dodgers were forced to stop play Sunday against the Chicago White Sox to allow the grounds crew to come out and pull a tarp over the unsightly Dodger Stadium crowd. "You hate to stop the game, but it was getting next to impossible for the guys to play in conditions like that," manager Don Mattingly said of the 38,000 hideous Dodger fans who filled the stands, nearly ruining the game by being clearly visible. "I'm just glad our grounds crew reacted quickly, because Lord knows the damage those fans could have done to the facility otherwise. Somebody almost certainly would have gotten hurt." The specially made tarp used to cover Dodger Stadium attendees is the second-largest tarp in Major League Baseball behind that used by the Indians during home games to cover the rest of Cleveland.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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