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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Dodgers Playing Extra Hard In Hopes Of Bringing Mom And Dad Back Together

LOS ANGELES—Dodgers players told reporters Friday they have been playing harder than usual the last few weeks in hopes of reuniting their parents—Frank and Jamie McCourt. "Maybe if we keep hitting homeruns, it'll make them realize how much they miss us and love us and then they'll come back," said outfielder Andre Ethier, who credited his 23-game hit streak and .379 batting average to "missing Mom and Dad real bad." "We're all going to try extra hard tonight because we forged apology letters to and from our parents and told them to meet at the game. Casey [Blake] reserved their tickets. Gosh, I hope this works." Several players confessed they want the McCourts to take notice of their winning ways sooner rather than later, as none of them liked the creepy adoptive father who keeps telling them to just call him "Bud."

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