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Dodgers Playing Extra Hard In Hopes Of Bringing Mom And Dad Back Together

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

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Dodgers Playing Extra Hard In Hopes Of Bringing Mom And Dad Back Together

LOS ANGELES—Dodgers players told reporters Friday they have been playing harder than usual the last few weeks in hopes of reuniting their parents—Frank and Jamie McCourt. "Maybe if we keep hitting homeruns, it'll make them realize how much they miss us and love us and then they'll come back," said outfielder Andre Ethier, who credited his 23-game hit streak and .379 batting average to "missing Mom and Dad real bad." "We're all going to try extra hard tonight because we forged apology letters to and from our parents and told them to meet at the game. Casey [Blake] reserved their tickets. Gosh, I hope this works." Several players confessed they want the McCourts to take notice of their winning ways sooner rather than later, as none of them liked the creepy adoptive father who keeps telling them to just call him "Bud."

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