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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Does Al Qaeda's use of cross dissolves and wipes signal the terrorist group is gaining strength?

Recent reports show Al Qaeda has begun to edit their terrorist videos, using transitions to trim down long-winded screeds and remove the moment at the beginning of videos where the jihadist turns on the camera and then sits down in front of it. Does this signal Al Qaeda is gaining strength?

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