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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Dog Doesn’t Consider Itself Part Of Family

THOMASVILLE, GA—While admitting that he relies on members of the family for food and shelter and is often included in household activities and family photographs, local 6-year-old golden retriever Pepper told reporters Friday that he in no way considers himself part of the O’Donnell family. “Hey, they’re not bad people, and I appreciate that they let me ride in the car sometimes, but do I think of them as my own family members? God, no,” the canine said while scratching behind his right ear with his hind leg, adding that he had no say in the matter when he was adopted and spends as much time as possible in the backyard to distance himself from the O’Donnells. “Have you seen these guys? They’re kind of loud and obnoxious, they sit on that couch all the time looking at their phones, and they’re not at all into throwing around the tennis ball. Just look at [father] Rob [O’Donnell]—guy’s a complete mess and can’t even walk to the park without getting winded. No way I’m one of them.” At press time, Pepper’s stance was reaffirmed when Denise O’Donnell made him sit and beg for several moments before letting him have a piece of cheese.

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