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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Dog Finds Absolutely Perfect Place To Shit

PORTLAND, OR—After carefully examining every inch of sidewalk within a four block radius of his home Tuesday, local dog Sigmund, 4, finally found the absolutely perfect place to squat down on his hind legs and void his bowels. The Labrador retriever mix—who bypassed a series of nearly perfect spots to deposit his feces—scanned the ground for a full seven minutes before eventually locating the 4-by-5-inch region that exhibited an ideal synthesis of ground texture, smell, and plant-life proximity. Sigmund then carefully strained out two and one quarter lengths of excrement onto the ideal site, approximately 11 inches from the curb and 4 inches from a street sign soaked in another dog's urine. This marked Sigmund's most successful location hunt today, surpassing an earlier incident in which the dog found a pretty okay place to vomit.

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