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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Dog Finds Absolutely Perfect Place To Shit

PORTLAND, OR—After carefully examining every inch of sidewalk within a four block radius of his home Tuesday, local dog Sigmund, 4, finally found the absolutely perfect place to squat down on his hind legs and void his bowels. The Labrador retriever mix—who bypassed a series of nearly perfect spots to deposit his feces—scanned the ground for a full seven minutes before eventually locating the 4-by-5-inch region that exhibited an ideal synthesis of ground texture, smell, and plant-life proximity. Sigmund then carefully strained out two and one quarter lengths of excrement onto the ideal site, approximately 11 inches from the curb and 4 inches from a street sign soaked in another dog's urine. This marked Sigmund's most successful location hunt today, surpassing an earlier incident in which the dog found a pretty okay place to vomit.

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