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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Dog Finds Absolutely Perfect Place To Shit

PORTLAND, OR—After carefully examining every inch of sidewalk within a four block radius of his home Tuesday, local dog Sigmund, 4, finally found the absolutely perfect place to squat down on his hind legs and void his bowels. The Labrador retriever mix—who bypassed a series of nearly perfect spots to deposit his feces—scanned the ground for a full seven minutes before eventually locating the 4-by-5-inch region that exhibited an ideal synthesis of ground texture, smell, and plant-life proximity. Sigmund then carefully strained out two and one quarter lengths of excrement onto the ideal site, approximately 11 inches from the curb and 4 inches from a street sign soaked in another dog's urine. This marked Sigmund's most successful location hunt today, surpassing an earlier incident in which the dog found a pretty okay place to vomit.

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