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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Dog Humiliated In Front Of Entire Park

CONCORD, NH—Banjo, a local border collie mix and loyal human companion, was utterly humiliated Tuesday, when his owner, 34-year-old Michael Ingram, loudly scolded the dog right in the middle of Cold Brook Park.

Banjo

"Down, boy, down! What did I tell you about barking at those birds?" yelled Ingram, the dog's supposed best friend, right in front of several other dogs, many of whom Banjo knew. "Look at me, Banjo. No more of that, okay? Just knock it off."

The mortifying scene, which included several heated utterances of "bad dog" and "very bad dog," as well as an extremely uncomfortable moment in which Ingram ordered the already self-conscious border collie to sit, lasted nearly 20 seconds.

According to park regular Morgan Studemeyer, the humiliating incident was "painful and difficult" to watch, as Ingram reportedly aired the couple's dirty laundry in plain view, and even made things personal by taking Banjo's favorite stick away from him.

"I felt bad for him, I really did," said Studemeyer, who had been walking her golden retriever puppy at the time. "Whatever was going on between the two of them, [Ingram] could definitely have waited until they got home to hash things out."

"Maybe it's none of my business, but I can't imagine ever talking to my Lexie that way," Studemeyer added, patting her dog on the stomach. "Isn't that right, girl? We have a healthy, loving relationship, don't we, Lex? Don't we, girl?"

Others at the scene told reporters that Banjo was publicly belittled on more than one occasion Tuesday. At approximately 12:45 p.m., Ingram was seen loudly chastising his companion for lying in mud before snapping his fingers to motion for the dog to stand submissively at his side. And later, Ingram reportedly failed to introduce Banjo to a coworker he had bumped into, leaving the border collie to just stand around sheepishly the entire time as the two men carried on a conversation.

"I just find the whole thing really awkward," said Douglas Lax, who takes his 6-year-old Yorkshire terrier every morning to play in the park. "Sometimes Michael and I will be talking about baseball or whatnot, and out of nowhere he'll make some weird joke about Banjo 'being lazy' or 'shedding his hair all over the couch.'"

"Like right in front of him and everything," Lax added. "I usually laugh, you know, to be polite, but that poor dog, he just takes it. Just puts on this big old grin and swallows it."

Witnesses have also reported ugly disputes between Ingram and Banjo in various public locations across town. On Friday, Ingram berated the border collie outside a local post office, an incident made even more humiliating because Banjo was in the middle of catching up with an old friend at the time.

Later that day, a neighbor observed Ingram on the street talking down to Banjo "as though he didn't understand a word." Even festive occasions, such as family get-togethers and dinner parties, have often ended in disaster, sources said.

"I used to go over to their place all the time for dinner, but I always felt so uncomfortable," said acquaintance Janet Schrump. "All those comments Michael would make about how 'we'd better keep our food away from Banjo' were rude enough, but when he decided to lock the poor thing inside the bathroom one night, I just couldn't take it anymore."

"Honestly, if my husband ever did that to me, I'm not sure what I'd do," Schrump added. "Probably shit in his bed."

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