adBlockCheck

Dog Humiliated In Front Of Entire Park

Top Headlines

Local

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Dog Humiliated In Front Of Entire Park

CONCORD, NH—Banjo, a local border collie mix and loyal human companion, was utterly humiliated Tuesday, when his owner, 34-year-old Michael Ingram, loudly scolded the dog right in the middle of Cold Brook Park.

Banjo

"Down, boy, down! What did I tell you about barking at those birds?" yelled Ingram, the dog's supposed best friend, right in front of several other dogs, many of whom Banjo knew. "Look at me, Banjo. No more of that, okay? Just knock it off."

The mortifying scene, which included several heated utterances of "bad dog" and "very bad dog," as well as an extremely uncomfortable moment in which Ingram ordered the already self-conscious border collie to sit, lasted nearly 20 seconds.

According to park regular Morgan Studemeyer, the humiliating incident was "painful and difficult" to watch, as Ingram reportedly aired the couple's dirty laundry in plain view, and even made things personal by taking Banjo's favorite stick away from him.

"I felt bad for him, I really did," said Studemeyer, who had been walking her golden retriever puppy at the time. "Whatever was going on between the two of them, [Ingram] could definitely have waited until they got home to hash things out."

"Maybe it's none of my business, but I can't imagine ever talking to my Lexie that way," Studemeyer added, patting her dog on the stomach. "Isn't that right, girl? We have a healthy, loving relationship, don't we, Lex? Don't we, girl?"

Others at the scene told reporters that Banjo was publicly belittled on more than one occasion Tuesday. At approximately 12:45 p.m., Ingram was seen loudly chastising his companion for lying in mud before snapping his fingers to motion for the dog to stand submissively at his side. And later, Ingram reportedly failed to introduce Banjo to a coworker he had bumped into, leaving the border collie to just stand around sheepishly the entire time as the two men carried on a conversation.

"I just find the whole thing really awkward," said Douglas Lax, who takes his 6-year-old Yorkshire terrier every morning to play in the park. "Sometimes Michael and I will be talking about baseball or whatnot, and out of nowhere he'll make some weird joke about Banjo 'being lazy' or 'shedding his hair all over the couch.'"

"Like right in front of him and everything," Lax added. "I usually laugh, you know, to be polite, but that poor dog, he just takes it. Just puts on this big old grin and swallows it."

Witnesses have also reported ugly disputes between Ingram and Banjo in various public locations across town. On Friday, Ingram berated the border collie outside a local post office, an incident made even more humiliating because Banjo was in the middle of catching up with an old friend at the time.

Later that day, a neighbor observed Ingram on the street talking down to Banjo "as though he didn't understand a word." Even festive occasions, such as family get-togethers and dinner parties, have often ended in disaster, sources said.

"I used to go over to their place all the time for dinner, but I always felt so uncomfortable," said acquaintance Janet Schrump. "All those comments Michael would make about how 'we'd better keep our food away from Banjo' were rude enough, but when he decided to lock the poor thing inside the bathroom one night, I just couldn't take it anymore."

"Honestly, if my husband ever did that to me, I'm not sure what I'd do," Schrump added. "Probably shit in his bed."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close