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Dog People, Cat People

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Dog People, Cat People

An Onion Play In Two Acts

CAST

STEVE, a lean, handsome man in his early 30s who works as a loan officer.

MELANIE, a petite, cute woman in her late 20s who works as a bank teller.

PETER, the president of Consolidated Bank, a tall, silver-haired man in his mid-50s.

ACT ONE

An employee party in PETER’s luxurious penthouse. STEVE, who has had a few drinks but who is still quite sober, approaches MELANIE, who is sitting at the end of a couch.

STEVE: Is something wrong?

MELANIE: (a bit startled) Oh, no. I’m just trying to think of the last time I fed my cat. I think I forgot his dinner. He gets upset when his schedule is disrupted.

STEVE: What do you see in cats? I just don’t un-der-stand how people can get along with them.

MELANIE: I suppose you’re a dog person.

STEVE: (nodding proudly) Why, yes I am.

MELANIE: I think cats are better pets than dogs.

STEVE: No way. Dogs are better.

MELANIE: (shaking her head and smiling con-fi-dent-ly) But dogs are so dumb! You go out for a second to get the mail and when you come back they act like they haven’t seen you in a week!

STEVE: (crumples his face skeptically) Come on! Cats never pay attention to you! Dogs are af-fec-tion-ate. When you come home from a long day at work, they’re so excited to see you!

MELANIE: Oh, yeah? Well at least cats groom themselves. A dog won’t ever clean itself.

STEVE: I’d rather own a pet that gets dirty once in a while than a pet that has to relieve itself in a box!

MELANIE: So I suppose you enjoy taking your dog (groans) outside a million times a day.

STEVE: Well how about the fact that cats have to be pampered? They’re so fussy!

MELANIE: Cats simply have finer, more sophisticated tastes—like their owners. (smiles and folds her arms triumphantly)

STEVE: Cat owners are icy and detached.

MELANIE: Dog owners are messy and simple-mind-ed!

ACT TWO

PETER approaches their couch, attracted by MELANIE’s outburst.

PETER: (holding out his hands as if surrendering) Whoa, you two! Calm down! Sparring over the superiority of the dog and the cat has been a staple of conversational small talk for as long as polite society has existed. The playful debate which springs from our love for our two favorite—but very different—companion animals always results in a delightful exchange. But the argument will never be settled. Actually, that’s part of its enduring appeal.

STEVE: (slowly looks from PETER to MELANIE) I’m sorry for snapping at you. Hey, maybe we should mingle. We can’t let this party (pauses and smiles devilishly) go to the dogs!

MELANIE: (taking his hand and nodding) You’re right. That would be a cat-tastrophe!

STEVE and MELANIE rise from the couch hand in hand and walk off to rejoin the party.

CURTAIN

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