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Dog People, Cat People

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Dog People, Cat People

An Onion Play In Two Acts

CAST

STEVE, a lean, handsome man in his early 30s who works as a loan officer.

MELANIE, a petite, cute woman in her late 20s who works as a bank teller.

PETER, the president of Consolidated Bank, a tall, silver-haired man in his mid-50s.

ACT ONE

An employee party in PETER’s luxurious penthouse. STEVE, who has had a few drinks but who is still quite sober, approaches MELANIE, who is sitting at the end of a couch.

STEVE: Is something wrong?

MELANIE: (a bit startled) Oh, no. I’m just trying to think of the last time I fed my cat. I think I forgot his dinner. He gets upset when his schedule is disrupted.

STEVE: What do you see in cats? I just don’t un-der-stand how people can get along with them.

MELANIE: I suppose you’re a dog person.

STEVE: (nodding proudly) Why, yes I am.

MELANIE: I think cats are better pets than dogs.

STEVE: No way. Dogs are better.

MELANIE: (shaking her head and smiling con-fi-dent-ly) But dogs are so dumb! You go out for a second to get the mail and when you come back they act like they haven’t seen you in a week!

STEVE: (crumples his face skeptically) Come on! Cats never pay attention to you! Dogs are af-fec-tion-ate. When you come home from a long day at work, they’re so excited to see you!

MELANIE: Oh, yeah? Well at least cats groom themselves. A dog won’t ever clean itself.

STEVE: I’d rather own a pet that gets dirty once in a while than a pet that has to relieve itself in a box!

MELANIE: So I suppose you enjoy taking your dog (groans) outside a million times a day.

STEVE: Well how about the fact that cats have to be pampered? They’re so fussy!

MELANIE: Cats simply have finer, more sophisticated tastes—like their owners. (smiles and folds her arms triumphantly)

STEVE: Cat owners are icy and detached.

MELANIE: Dog owners are messy and simple-mind-ed!

ACT TWO

PETER approaches their couch, attracted by MELANIE’s outburst.

PETER: (holding out his hands as if surrendering) Whoa, you two! Calm down! Sparring over the superiority of the dog and the cat has been a staple of conversational small talk for as long as polite society has existed. The playful debate which springs from our love for our two favorite—but very different—companion animals always results in a delightful exchange. But the argument will never be settled. Actually, that’s part of its enduring appeal.

STEVE: (slowly looks from PETER to MELANIE) I’m sorry for snapping at you. Hey, maybe we should mingle. We can’t let this party (pauses and smiles devilishly) go to the dogs!

MELANIE: (taking his hand and nodding) You’re right. That would be a cat-tastrophe!

STEVE and MELANIE rise from the couch hand in hand and walk off to rejoin the party.

CURTAIN

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