Dog People, Cat People

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Dog People, Cat People

An Onion Play In Two Acts


STEVE, a lean, handsome man in his early 30s who works as a loan officer.

MELANIE, a petite, cute woman in her late 20s who works as a bank teller.

PETER, the president of Consolidated Bank, a tall, silver-haired man in his mid-50s.


An employee party in PETER’s luxurious penthouse. STEVE, who has had a few drinks but who is still quite sober, approaches MELANIE, who is sitting at the end of a couch.

STEVE: Is something wrong?

MELANIE: (a bit startled) Oh, no. I’m just trying to think of the last time I fed my cat. I think I forgot his dinner. He gets upset when his schedule is disrupted.

STEVE: What do you see in cats? I just don’t un-der-stand how people can get along with them.

MELANIE: I suppose you’re a dog person.

STEVE: (nodding proudly) Why, yes I am.

MELANIE: I think cats are better pets than dogs.

STEVE: No way. Dogs are better.

MELANIE: (shaking her head and smiling con-fi-dent-ly) But dogs are so dumb! You go out for a second to get the mail and when you come back they act like they haven’t seen you in a week!

STEVE: (crumples his face skeptically) Come on! Cats never pay attention to you! Dogs are af-fec-tion-ate. When you come home from a long day at work, they’re so excited to see you!

MELANIE: Oh, yeah? Well at least cats groom themselves. A dog won’t ever clean itself.

STEVE: I’d rather own a pet that gets dirty once in a while than a pet that has to relieve itself in a box!

MELANIE: So I suppose you enjoy taking your dog (groans) outside a million times a day.

STEVE: Well how about the fact that cats have to be pampered? They’re so fussy!

MELANIE: Cats simply have finer, more sophisticated tastes—like their owners. (smiles and folds her arms triumphantly)

STEVE: Cat owners are icy and detached.

MELANIE: Dog owners are messy and simple-mind-ed!


PETER approaches their couch, attracted by MELANIE’s outburst.

PETER: (holding out his hands as if surrendering) Whoa, you two! Calm down! Sparring over the superiority of the dog and the cat has been a staple of conversational small talk for as long as polite society has existed. The playful debate which springs from our love for our two favorite—but very different—companion animals always results in a delightful exchange. But the argument will never be settled. Actually, that’s part of its enduring appeal.

STEVE: (slowly looks from PETER to MELANIE) I’m sorry for snapping at you. Hey, maybe we should mingle. We can’t let this party (pauses and smiles devilishly) go to the dogs!

MELANIE: (taking his hand and nodding) You’re right. That would be a cat-tastrophe!

STEVE and MELANIE rise from the couch hand in hand and walk off to rejoin the party.



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