Dog Urine Lowers Heart-Attack Risk, Say Snickering Researchers

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Vol 35 Issue 26

Once-Cute Cerebral Palsy Poster Child Now Awkward Cerebral Palsy Teen

BELLINGHAM, WA—Area 14-year-old Brianna Angelos, who was the Cerebral Palsy Foundation's official Cerebral Palsy poster child in 1992, has developed into a gangly, awkward Cerebral Palsy teen, sources revealed Tuesday. "Nobody's asked Brianna to be on any posters for a long while now," said Karen Angelos, mother of the ungainly adolescent. "In fact, I don't think she's done a public appearance in over five years." Brianna's classmates at Westlake High School describe the teen as "introverted and unpopular."

Sports Team Defeated In Manner Befitting Its Name

CLEVELAND—A sports team's name proved eerily fitting Tuesday when, according to USA Today, the Cleveland Indians were "scalped" 11-3 by the Detroit Tigers. "We had high hopes of 'taming' the Tigers," Indians manager Mike Hargrove said following the loss. "But instead, they wound up killing us and removing our hair as a grim trophy." In other major-league contests Tuesday, the Mets hooked the Marlins, the Yankees "tore holes in" the Red Sox, and the Padres felled the Giants with nothing but courage and a tiny leather sling.

AMC Bob Hope Retrospective Ready To Go

WOODBURY, NY—American Movie Classics executives announced Tuesday that the cable network's week-long, 40-film retrospective of the films of Bob Hope is "ready to go," with "Remembering Bob Hope" graphics and hours of interview footage edited and poised to be spliced into the broadcast. "We're all set to air this uplifting tribute to one of the century's great entertainers, and will do so the second it's time," AMC president Warren Milacki said. "We're pretty much just waiting for the 'go' sign, if you follow me."

Post-Modern Condition Upgraded To Pre-Apocalyptic

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—The "postmodern" condition of alienated, disjointed late-20th-century humanity was officially upgraded to "pre-apocalyptic" Monday, when new findings from leading postmodernist theorist Richard Rorty were published in the new issue of Semiotexte. "I was flipping through the cable channels the other night, trying to get an abstract sense of the way emergent processes of change and transformation generated by contemporary high-tech society are challenging cultural assumptions regarding diverse aesthetic forms to create a novel state of history," Rorty said, "when, all of a sudden, I realized that everything I was looking at was the biggest load of unimaginably horrific crap ever." At this point in the socio-cultural discourse, Rorty said, the key question is no longer whether or not social fragmentation, cultural meta-juxtaposition and socioeconomic problematics require new modes of experience and interpretation, but rather, "When will the seven-headed dragon of the End Times descend upon us all in unholy fury?"

Clinton Gets Full Day's Relief With One Spray Of Flonase

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton breathed easier for a full day Monday after using Flonase® prescription nasal spray, White House sources confirmed. "Flonase® did not make me drowsy or keep me awake like some antihistamines and decongestants," the jubilant, decongested chief executive told reporters at a Rose Garden press conference. Clinton noted that Flonase® is non-addictive and can be used by children as young as four. "Side effects are generally mild and may include headache, nosebleed or sore throat; only your doctor or healthcare provider can determine if Flonase® is right for you," added Clinton before providing reporters with a toll-free number where additional information on the Glaxo Wellcome product can be obtained.

The Death Of John-John

Killed with his wife and sister-in-law in a plane crash July 16, JFK Jr. joins a long line of Kennedys to die under tragic circumstances. What do you think about the latest calamity to befall America's first family?

Nobody Really Understands Me

Look, I really don't have all that much to complain about. I'm well respected. I'm considered quite elegant in my own way. And, in certain circles, I'm seen as quite a romantic and mysterious set of figures. But despite all this, sometimes I still can't help feeling like no one truly understands me.
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Dog Urine Lowers Heart-Attack Risk, Say Snickering Researchers

BALTIMORE—A team of researchers at Johns Hopkins University have found a link between the consumption of dog urine and the decreased likelihood of heart attacks, team leaders announced Tuesday in cracking, uneven voices.

"Our research indicates that by drinking six to eight glasses of fresh dog urine per day, individuals can reduce the risk of cardiac arrest by as much as 70 percent," said Dr. Arnold Minton, covering his mouth with his hand. "This abundantly available material contains magical cardio-fluxo-medicines that strengthen the heart's mitral chambers and help keep its four aortic corridors clear of toxins and other such harmful substances."

Apologizing for his occasional laughter and explaining that the morning's Hi & Lois comic strip was "really funny," team member Dr. Dinesh Patel explained the origins of the six-hour study.

"I noticed that my dog had never had a heart attack, and I'd never heard of a dog having a heart attack, so I realized that there is what scientists call 'a cause-effect phenomenon' at work here," Patel said. "Well, it turned out it's their urine."

Patel then ran from the podium.

After being pushed to the microphone by Minton, Dr. Leonard Weiscz outlined the team's recommendations for those wishing to diminish their chance of a potentially deadly myocardial infarction: "Get yourself a dog, ideally a Labrador retriever, as the pH level is optimal in this particular breed, and then train it to urinate into a bucket," Weiscz said. "Then, when the bucket is three-quarters to four-quarters full, lift it to your mouth and chug as quickly as you can."

Johns Hopkins scientist Roberta Ivey examines a lab sample of spaniel urine.

Weiscz then stepped down from the podium "to examine [his] notes."

Minton said a more convenient form of the active ingredients in dog urine will likely one day be synthesized for an over-the-counter medication, but he stressed that such a breakthrough is at least 10 to 15 years down the road.

"For now, you need a dog—excuse me a moment," said Minton, doubling over and inhaling sharply. "And a bucket."

According to the Johns Hopkins team, for maximum effectiveness, the urine should not be mixed with any other substance.

"Drink it straight," said Weiscz, wiping his eyes with a handkerchief. "Don't mix it with anything, not even water."

The group then called for a short break in the press conference. Returning after five minutes with somber faces, the scientists revealed more of their findings, including their suggestion that the urine be consumed "right out in public."

"It's also important to yell out, 'Ah, that's some tasty dog pee!' as soon as you're done," said Minton, his chest visibly shaking. "I should know. I'm a trained medical professional."

Turning to the panel of scientists behind him, Minton shouted, "Shut up, you guys!"

Upon the conclusion of Minton's remarks, the floor was opened to questions. The first came from Washington Post reporter Ken Coultier, who asked the researchers to discuss their own dog-urine-consumption habits.

"I wouldn't drink dog piss," Patel responded.

Coultier then asked the researcher to explain why, if urine reduces the risk of heart attacks, he would choose not to follow his own advice.

"I don't have to drink it," Patel said. "I'm not in a high-risk group."

"Why don't you drink some?" added Patel before calling for an end to the question-and-answer session.

Tuesday's announcement is believed to be the most significant medical breakthrough from the Johns Hopkins team since its 1997 discovery that a grape stuffed in the left nostril for 48 hours will lower blood pressure by 30 percent.

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