adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News

Dolphin Spends Amazing Vacation Swimming With Stockbroker

ORLANDO, FL—Describing the encounter as a once-in-a-lifetime experience she’ll never forget, local bottlenose dolphin Hazel reportedly recounted stories Tuesday from a recent vacation in which she got to go swimming with a stockbroker. “He was definitely shy at first, but with a little encouragement he swam right up next to me—the whole thing was so amazing,” said the dolphin, appearing excited as she described her “almost spiritual” encounter with the financial executive, whom she estimated was perhaps 40 years old and weighed as much as 180 pounds. “And he was just chattering away the whole time. It’s like they have their own little language. You have to wonder what’s going on in their heads and whether it’s true that they’re almost as intelligent as we are.” The dolphin added that while she ultimately enjoyed her experience, she was disappointed that she wasn’t allowed to actually ride the stockbroker.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close