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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Dolphins Spend Entire Meeting With Alex Smith Venting About Free Agents They Couldn’t Sign

MIAMI—Quarterback Alex Smith’s meeting with the Miami Dolphins on Sunday was unproductive, sources confirmed, because team executives were on the verge of tears and unable to talk about anything except all the other free agents who have turned them down so far this offseason. "It’s bad enough that Peyton has his family here and would barely consider us, but Matt Flynn turned us down and now we're going to have to sign David Garrard, of all people," Dolphins general manager Jeff Ireland reportedly told Smith, sinking his face into his hands and wondering aloud how any team could make the region’s beaches an unattractive place to live. "God, I hate the way people treat us like we don't even exist." Smith re-signed with the 49ers Tuesday in a deal said to be worth $8 million annually.

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