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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Dolphins Struggling To Get Shy Rookie To Participate In Practice

DAVIE, FL—Explaining that the rookie is shy and easily discouraged, Miami Dolphins coaches told reporters Thursday that they were having trouble getting wide receiver Andrell Smith to participate in practice. “Andrell is such a sweet kid and we’re trying to get him involved, but so far he hasn’t really come out of his shell,” said offensive coordinator Mike Sherman, noting that when a play starts, Smith usually just stands by himself near the sideline or runs off on his own without looking at the quarterback. “The trouble is, he’s too timid to call for the ball even when he’s open, and in the huddle he barely says a word. The only time I actually heard him talk was when he came up to me and quietly said he wanted to go home.” Sherman added that he and the other coaches also wanted to encourage young quarterback Ryan Tannehill to share better with receiver Mike Wallace.

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