Dolphins Struggling To Get Shy Rookie To Participate In Practice

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Vol 49 Issue 33

Government Finally Admits Existence Of Area 51

In declassified CIA documents, the government officially acknowledged for the first time ever the existence of Area 51, saying that the top-secret location in the Nevada desert was created as a testing site for the U-2 spy plane in the 1950s.

Dog Unaware It Isn't Starving

Scientists finally pronounce the human genome, a new report finds that the Washington Redskins’ name is only offensive if you think about what it means, and a bigoted asshole makes the best barbecue.
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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Dolphins Struggling To Get Shy Rookie To Participate In Practice

DAVIE, FL—Explaining that the rookie is shy and easily discouraged, Miami Dolphins coaches told reporters Thursday that they were having trouble getting wide receiver Andrell Smith to participate in practice. “Andrell is such a sweet kid and we’re trying to get him involved, but so far he hasn’t really come out of his shell,” said offensive coordinator Mike Sherman, noting that when a play starts, Smith usually just stands by himself near the sideline or runs off on his own without looking at the quarterback. “The trouble is, he’s too timid to call for the ball even when he’s open, and in the huddle he barely says a word. The only time I actually heard him talk was when he came up to me and quietly said he wanted to go home.” Sherman added that he and the other coaches also wanted to encourage young quarterback Ryan Tannehill to share better with receiver Mike Wallace.

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