adBlockCheck

Sports

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Dolphins Struggling To Get Shy Rookie To Participate In Practice

DAVIE, FL—Explaining that the rookie is shy and easily discouraged, Miami Dolphins coaches told reporters Thursday that they were having trouble getting wide receiver Andrell Smith to participate in practice. “Andrell is such a sweet kid and we’re trying to get him involved, but so far he hasn’t really come out of his shell,” said offensive coordinator Mike Sherman, noting that when a play starts, Smith usually just stands by himself near the sideline or runs off on his own without looking at the quarterback. “The trouble is, he’s too timid to call for the ball even when he’s open, and in the huddle he barely says a word. The only time I actually heard him talk was when he came up to me and quietly said he wanted to go home.” Sherman added that he and the other coaches also wanted to encourage young quarterback Ryan Tannehill to share better with receiver Mike Wallace.

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close