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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Dolphins To Distract Patriots While Browns Get Them From Behind

MIAMI—The winless Miami Dolphins have conspired with the Cleveland Browns in an attempt to finally defeat the unbeaten New England Patriots by catching them in a "trap game," sources from both teams reported Tuesday. "Right, here's the plan: We take the field on Sunday and pretend to play football as usual. But just as the Patriots are about to score their third touchdown, we'll all suddenly tell them to 'look over there' and point at the stands," a Dolphins player who refused to be named reportedly told the Browns squad in a secret closed-door meeting Monday. "When the Patriots are distracted, we'll give you the signal. That's when you sneak up behind them, grab them, drag them into the visitors' locker room, switch uniforms with them, and come back out and let us win. Which is okay because everyone will think we're beating the Patriots. Not by too much, though—it has to look convincing or else people will suspect." The Dolphins are reportedly considering scrapping the idea, however, as sources inside the team suspect that Brady Quinn accidentally blurted out the entire plan while having lunch with the Patriots yesterday.

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