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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Dolphins WR Mike Wallace Comes Out As Stupid Asshole

MIAMI—The sports world was shocked today as Miami Dolphins wide receiver Mike Wallace outed himself as a stupid asshole, sources close to the professional football player confirmed. “I’m really proud of Mike for coming out and openly admitting he’s a complete fucking asshole,” said Wallace’s former Pittsburgh Steelers teammate Troy Polamalu after the Dolphins receiver posted on Twitter announcing that he is and has always been an insensitive, ignorant fuck. “Of course, most of us already knew Wallace was a worthless sack of shit just from the way he talked and acted. But for him to have the courage to open up about the fact that he’s a total prick is fantastic. I’m really happy for him.” Polamalu added that now that Wallace has bravely come out as an absolute dipshit, it could pave the way for other professional athletes to reveal that they themselves are intolerant dumbfucks in the near future.

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