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Dolphins WR Mike Wallace Comes Out As Stupid Asshole

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

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RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Dolphins WR Mike Wallace Comes Out As Stupid Asshole

MIAMI—The sports world was shocked today as Miami Dolphins wide receiver Mike Wallace outed himself as a stupid asshole, sources close to the professional football player confirmed. “I’m really proud of Mike for coming out and openly admitting he’s a complete fucking asshole,” said Wallace’s former Pittsburgh Steelers teammate Troy Polamalu after the Dolphins receiver posted on Twitter announcing that he is and has always been an insensitive, ignorant fuck. “Of course, most of us already knew Wallace was a worthless sack of shit just from the way he talked and acted. But for him to have the courage to open up about the fact that he’s a total prick is fantastic. I’m really happy for him.” Polamalu added that now that Wallace has bravely come out as an absolute dipshit, it could pave the way for other professional athletes to reveal that they themselves are intolerant dumbfucks in the near future.

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