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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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DomeFacts: The Truly Disgusting Career Of Kwame Brown

The Minnesota Timberwolves lost the Kwame Brown Lottery, meaning they will be forced to sign Kwame to a contract this offseason, despite his horrible play and even worse attitude. Here are some DomeFacts about Kwame to put the T-Wolves' misery in perspective:

  • He shot 33.7% from the free throw line last season on 98 attempts. Take a second to think about how bad that is.
  • In his ten seasons in the league, not a single Kwame Brown jersey has been sold, not even as a joke.
  • After unleashing Kwame on the league by selecting him first overall in the 2001 NBA Draft, Michael Jordan felt so guilty that he made an ill-advised second return to the league in a valiant attempt to shatter Kwame's confidence and drive him from the sport forever.
  • Would have done the same thing LeBron did.
  • Scouts marvel at his ability to jog to midcourt and stand there on fastbreaks instead of hustling to play defense.
  • Plants wither and die when he touches them.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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