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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Dominant Kevin Garnett: 'This Is My House! This Is Where I Eat And Sleep Every Night!'

BOSTON—Known throughout the NBA as an extremely territorial player, Kevin Garnett asserted his dominance over his Boston-area kitchen and dining room with an aggressively vocal statement Sunday. "This is my house! You hear me? Mine! This is where I watch my TV and eat my cereal! Where I eat cereal every day!" said the 2004 Most Valuable Player, punctuating his house-proud remarks by slapping his chest and the countertop between his coffeemaker and toaster. "You don't just bring your stuff in here! You call me and ask—politely—if you can drop by. You gotta respect my house! Because I take care of it and clean it at least once a week! I'm thinking about adding another wing, maybe a film room! What do you think?!? You think a film room would be nice?!?" Garnett then asked the assembled reporters not to print his exact address so that the Mavericks would not be able to bother him.

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